Man Among Boys

In the 1973 Bruce Lee classic “Enter The Dragon,”  Bruce Lee was confronted on a junk boat by a rude European and outsmarted him using “the art of fighting without fighting.”  Basically, he turned the European’s aggression against by challenging him to leave the junk on a rowboat together to fight on a nearby island.  When the European got onto the rowboat to go to the island, Lee let the boat go into the sea.  He used his brain and defeated his opponent.

The key is to get your opponent out of their comfort zone and take control of the situation.

Chapter 6 of  Sun Tsu’s “The Art Of War” (if you haven’t read it yet, ya slippin’; one of the best books on strategy and philosophy ever written) talks about “Weak Points and Strong”, detailing how your opportunities come from the openings in the environment caused by the relative weakness of your enemy in a given area.  You have to know where you are and who your opponent is.  Lack of knowledge of either leads to defeat.

The same applies in your relationships.  Whether you want to admit or not,  an argument, disagreement, or debate is a conflict.  If you know your opponent, whether they be a co-worker, your wife, or your best friend, you can turn the tables to your favor.

When I worked in Philadelphia, one of my peers was a friendly yet somewhat unprofessional and loud woman we’ll call “Ann.”  “Ann” was very friendly and loved by many, but the key to her power was to act a fool in large groups and take over a situation.  Quite a few times, I allowed her to railroad me and take me out of my game.

The more I worked with her, the more I got to know her habits.  She’d wait for a management meeting or for a crowd to gather on the work floor and show her ass.  An audience to her was like spinach to Popeye; that was her source of strength.  Arguing with her and getting loud in public not only made us both look like fools, but it gave her the advantage.

People gather strength through stability and stability often comes from habits.  Dictionary. com defines a habit as “an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary.”   The next time you’re with lady, friends, or co-workers, observe what they do.

For example, if you keep having arguments with your lady….and losing, try some of the following:

• Sleep on her side of the bed.  People are creatures of habit.  She won’t have the “perfect fit” in the little den she made.  She may have to turn the other way to avoid the window.  If she asks why, just tell her you’d like to see what it’s like.  Then, engage the enemy.

• If you’re the one that always drives, ask her to take the wheel.  Wait until your down the road a little and then bring up whatever problem you’re having.  She won’t be ready for it because she’s not used to focusing on the road and chewing you a new ass at the same time.

• Switch up your style and take a “southpaw” stance.  If she always initiates conversations, attack first and attack strong.  If you usually talk first, lay back and wait.  She knows you’ll want to bring it up and she’ll be wondering why you haven’t spoken. If she asks if you want to talk about it, tell her “maybe later.”

• If they have a favorite chair or spot on the couch, make sure you sit there first and then start the conversation.  You’ve effectively taken away their “power seat”.

These may seem small, but you’d be surprised at how effective they are.  Try this at work.  If you have a meeting and there’s always one person that tries to take over the meeting, get to the meeting early and take their seat.  I bet they won’t be as talkative.

Back to “Ann”.  Her playing to the crowd told me that she needed immediate support and acceptance to be effective.  Head nods, “uh huh”s, “I agree”s.  If  I could separate her from those, she’s finished.

My department began to having problems some people “Ann” managed, so I asked her to come to my office to talk about it.  No crowds, no supporters.  When she asked could it wait until the meeting, I said no and that it was urgent enough to be addressed right now.  “Ann”’s power was gone now; we were in private and there was no one to perform for.

During our management meetings, whenever she had an issue she wanted to start blasting off,  I replied, “Let’s take that offline.  We can discuss it in my office after the meeting.”  If she caught me in the hallway in front of a group and wanted to cut up, I’d say “I see your concern.  Why don’t you follow me to my office and we’ll talk about it there?”

Notice how it was always my office.  I didn’t want to meet in her office.  There she had control.  She could invite as many onlookers as she liked.  She could show her ass for the world to see in her office.  But in my office…my rules.  I invited no one else and the meetings were always closed-door.  I’d effectively turned the tables.   Her power was gone and I had control now.

Fighting without Fighting.

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