Man Among Boys

This post has 709 words. It will take approximately 7 minutes, 5 secondes for reading it.

I just finished watching “Unforgiven” on AMC; it’s one of my all-time favorite movies along with “A Soldier’s Story” and “The Five Deadly Venoms” (shout out to all my old school Channel 5 Kung Fu Theater heads out there).

“Unforgiven” is a 1992 western starring and directed by Clint Eastwood,who plays the lead character, William Munny.  Munny is a man who tried to change his life of crime but is drawn back to what he is.  He , his best friend and fellow reformed outlaw Ned (played by Morgan Freeman), and a young gun called “The Schofield Kid” (Jaimz Woolvett),  seek to collect a bounty placed on two men who cut up a town whore.  During the search, Ned is killed by sheriff Lil’ Bill (Gene Hackman) and Munny realizes that he has to be who he is, an outlaw without conscience and killer of women and children.  The climax of the movie is the final confrontation between Munny and Lil’ Bill and his band of deputies.  Munny kills them all and rides off into the dark rainy night.

“You better bury Ned right, and you better not cut or otherwise harm no whores.  Or I’ll come back and kill all you sons of b*tches.”

That got me to thinking…when we say that we’ve changed, are we just lying to ourselves?  Do we ever really change or are we what we are and is all that “change” just fancy window dressing?

I know that we change. We grow physically, become more educated, and even (supposedly) mature with age.  But does that change who we are?  We go through trials and tribulations and are molded by experience, but do we really change at our core?

William Munny thought he changed.  He married and had two children.  He and his family took to farm life, raising crops.  They lived in peace. But Munny really wasn’t good at farm life; it really wasn’t what he wanted, even though he tried to embrace the change  After his wife died and he was left to raise his children on his own, it got even harder.  Eventually, he went back to what he was good at, “killin’ folk”, as he put it.  In the end, he was what he was,  even if that was a ruthless killer with an evil disposition.

Sometimes,  I hear people talk about how relationships, having a good man or woman in your life,  will foster change, or that if you “find God”, that  will add something that will bring the best out in you…

(Note:  I always shake my head when people say they “found God.”  That is something people said to puff up their pride and feel good about themselves.  You don’t “find God”.  God was never lost, you were; God finds you when he thinks you’re ready to accept him.  I always wondered about that.  Anyway, back to the topic at hand.)

I disagree with that.  I think that we all have a core set of values, beliefs, and even mannerisms that define who we are.  Those don’t really change, and I don’t think any relationship or experience will change that.  Think back to all the times y0u promised yourself you’d change something.  Did you always follow through?  Is it so hard to accept who we are?

I’m not trying to imply that change isn’t good.  If you’re an absentee or a bad father, dammit, do right by your kids and become a better one.  But what do you do if it’s just not in you? How do you go against who you are, the fabric of your being, and become something you weren’t meant to be?

How do you accept who you are, even if that isn’t who you want to be?  I don’t think William Munny wanted to be a ruthless killer, or else he wouldn’t have tried to change…but in the end, that’s who he was.

Can you accept who you are, even if it’s not who you want to be?  And be honest with yourself? Do you think we can change who we are at our core?  Feel free to comment.

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This post has 453 words. It will take approximately 4 minutes, 31 secondes for reading it.

I hope you all had a  Happy Thanksgiving. I hope that you ate lots to turkey, watched a few of the NFL games, and fell into a comatose like sleep.  I also hope that you learned a little something about family.

I think that sometimes we take our family for granted.  I mean they’ve always been around, even when you didn’t want them to be.  We have holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas when we’re supposed to appreciate them a little bit more, but shouldn’t we do that all year long?

I have a friend who spent a non traditional Thanksgiving with her mother this year.  It was just the two of them because, as happens to all of us, the rest of her family was pulled in so many different directions that it’s hard to keep up with everyone.  She and her mother went out to eat dinner…and then went bowling.  She texted me later to let me know that it might have been the best Thanksgiving ever.   She got to spend some one-on-one time with Mom and learned a few personal things about Mom she probably didn’t know before. My friend said that she wouldn’t have gotten to know Mom better over the loud roar of Thanksgiving conversation, family catching up, and NFL Fox Sports news casts.

I learned a lesson of my own.  My family got together for the typical Thanksgiving dinner.  Everyone was eating and enjoying each other’s company….except my teenaged cousin.  She usually sits in the corner, eats dinner, and gets on her laptop.  Everyone is older than her, talking about jobs and their kids growing up and going to school.  She’ll take part in the conversation for a while,  but then goes off to do her own thing.

After I  ate, I went into the living room like I usually do to watch a lopsided football game.  I peered over at my cousin. She just looked up from her computer just long enough to catch my eye, smiled back, and went back into techno-world.  Instead of watching the game, I went to talk to her for a while. We talked about her love of Korean pop music, that she wants to go to college in Japan, and that she eventually wants to help design computer and video games.  She’s a really smart kid and she has a bright future.

Even though get-togethers sometimes seem like a bad scene from “Madea’s Family Reunion” and they get on my nerves, they are my family.  You don’t have to love your family, but I do.

Did you learn anything new about your family?  Feel free to comment.

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This post has 52 words. It will take approximately 31 secondes for reading it.

Since it’s the day before Thanksgiving, instead of giving you a blog topic, I thought I’d give you a reminder of why we should all be thankful.

The Lord is my shepherd, and he knows what I like.

Feel free to comment…or just look and give thanks.  Happy Thanksgiving.

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This post has 654 words. It will take approximately 6 minutes, 32 secondes for reading it.

Sometimes I have to address the ladies.  Fellas, I’m sure you can relate to this one, but ladies, pay attention.

I was hanging out with a few friends at a bar not too long ago, just letting off some steam on a Saturday night over a few drinks.  It’s a neighborhood dive and it’s a little ghetto, but the music is decent and the drinks are cheap.

I like to people watch.  I’m a people watcher.  As I look across the dance floor, I’m beginning to think that you can tell a lot about a woman over the kind of music she listens to. Maybe I’m putting too much stock into that but I don’t think I’m too far off.

This garbage rap song comes on and the women rush the dance floor, some screaming, “Gurl, that’s my song!”  The chorus goes:

“I know a lil’ freak, in in Hollywood, Sucks on d*ck, does it does it real good

I know a lil’ freak, in in Hollywood, Sucks on d*ck, does it does it real good

I long d*ck her like UGH UGH UGH, I long d*ck her like UGH UGH UGH,”

And the women in the place are singing along like UGH UGH UGH, making thrusting motions, and smacking each other on the ass.  They’re getting it in like they’re shooting the video for this sad ass song.

The only thing I could think was “I feel sorry for the poor bastard that picks a wife out of this sorry group of harlots.”

Now if a man ran up to one of these hoes and asked her “WHAT’S UP WITCHO PUSSY?”, she’d be offended, saying that she’s a woman and should be respected…but two seconds ago, she had her girlfriend bent over givin’ it to her hard and singing along about how her head game is so good.

B*tch please.

If you want me to treat you like a woman, act like one.  Don’t run around the bar with your titties poppin’ out screaming “I long d*ck her like UGH UGH UGH”.  You can bet if a guy asks you to dance while you’re talking about the good head you give, he isn’t thinking that you’re an intellectual and that he might take you home to meet Mom one day.

Trust me, the fellas are not trying to turn hoes into housewives.

My question is where did the ladies run off too? When did women like Anita Baker and Melissa Morgan get replaced by Lil’ Kim and Trina? (I admit though, I had the Lil’ Kim “Hardcore” album cover poster).  And when the f*ck did we think it was good thing?

I wish I could say it’s a sign of the times, but I can’t. I remember back in the mid 90′s, we use to go to this bar not too far from school.  The DJ would put on a certain record and all the girls would rush the dance floor screaming:

“Put it in my mouthhhhhhhhh.  In my muthaf*ckin’ mouthhhhhhhhhh.”

You didn’t need to ask a girl to dance.  Akinyele, Mr. “Ak-nell, you know I rock well, girl I’ll get up in that ass like K-Y Gel” did it for you.  And I knew none of these girls would ever be Ms. Right, just Ms. Right Now.  By 6:15, I was kickin’ em’ out….

I’ll call a ho a ho in a second.  If any lady reading this got offended reading this because they were singing UGH UGH UGH last week at the club…I’m sorry….but you’re probably a ho, or at least have ho tendencies.

If you want a man to respect you, act like the woman you claim to be.  Bottom line.

Feel free to comment.

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This post has 235 words. It will take approximately 2 minutes, 21 secondes for reading it.

This post will be very short, because I want more feedback from you this time.  Part of being a man is learning more about your fellow man.  So I have a question:

If your life was a book, what book would it be?  In asking that question, I’m assuming that you all read something other than a sports page or one of those cheesy gossip magazines.

Now, don’t go claiming the Bible or Koran, thinking that you’re blameless and upright like Job.  If you do, when the lightnin’ bolt comes and zaps you square in the forehead, don’t say you weren’t warned.

I could try to play it cool and say the book that would describe me best would be “Pimp: The Story of My Life” by Robert Beck (aka Iceberg Slim), but honestly, I stopped pimpin’ a while ago.  Don’t hate the playa, hate the game.

If I had to pick a book, it would probably be “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” by Robert Louis Stevenson.  Everyone has two sides to them, and depending on the situation, one side takes over.  For some it takes a confrontation to bring that side out. For others, it’s dark liquor.  Some people are just naturally assh*les and act like that all the time.

So, if your life was a book, what book would it be?  Feel free to comment.

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This post has 709 words. It will take approximately 7 minutes, 5 secondes for reading it.

It’s no secret that President Obama wants a more educated country. I think our President means what he says about wanting to overhaul education “from the cradle to a career” and has good intentions.  Obama wants to push funding for the No Child Left Behind law and make sure every child as a chance at a quality education.

Too late for that.  Just about every child was left behind a long time ago.

We’ve failed our children not because of a lack of teachers or old textbooks.  Every child can have their own tutor and brand new textbooks, but it doesn’t help if what their learning won’t help them.  The educational system we have is archaic.  It no longer serves the purpose we need it to, and the sooner we realize that, the sooner we can give our kids the education they really need.

Remember when Phys Ed was an important class?  I remember I got a “B” in Algebra, and my father lectured me for 20 minutes about the importance of math.  When I pointed out the “A” I got in Phys Ed, he responded, “Any monkey can jump around.”  It just wasn’t that important anymore.

Fast forward to now.  Can you really look at your child’s report card and see classes that will really help them when they get older?  Don’t give me that bullsh*t about having a “well-rounded” child.  I’m talking about helping your children keep up with a rapidly advancing society.

My father and I debate about this all the time.  He’s an educated man, and he always talks about the value of a good traditional education.  Math, English, Science, Social Studies.  And he’d be right if this was 1960.  But as we move forward to 2010, our kids shouldn’t be looking at those old textbooks they have and asking, “When are we going to have to use this?”  We should be asking that ourselves.

Our educational system should be focused more on technology and less on the traditional courses.  Face it, we aren’t going back to the abacus or counting on our fingers. Social studies is a joke.  You’re never going to have to count that big jar of pennies you have on your dresser.  You’ll go down to your bank or local supermarket, pour it in that big coin counting machine, take your receipt, and get your dollar bills.

There are some people who say we need the traditional education in case all the computers shut down; those are the same nuts that stocked up on bottled water, duct tape, and canned peaches and locked themselves in their basement at 11:59 pm on December 31, 1999 while I was raising my champagne glass and welcoming in a New Year (I’m still laughin’ at your dumb ass on that one).

I’d like to see more courses on internet navigation, using search engines, and social media.  These aren’t just toys teenagers use to find free porn sites and talk to each other about ex-boyfriends; they are legitimate communication tools and they’re only getting bigger.  People are text messaging business communications and using Twitter to distribute their resumes.  Fifteen years ago, did you ever think that blogging would be as big as it is now?

You would have thought we would have seen this coming.  Multi-functional minicomputers we call Blackberrys and IPhones have replaced those large mobile phones you used to have to carry in a small briefcase.  Cell phones have put public payphones out of business (I haven’t seen a payphone in a while).  I haven’t met an encyclopedia salesman in a looonnnggg time.  My point is that advancements in technology have changed the game in terms of what we need to learn.  Our educational system hasn’t changed with it.

If we don’t re-educate our kids now, we’re going to have a large group of people who aren’t qualified to do much.  Don’t get me wrong.  I know there’s always going to be a need for somewhat of  a baseline traditional education, but that’s about it.

What do you think?  Answer the poll below and feel free to express your thoughts.

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This post has 734 words. It will take approximately 7 minutes, 20 secondes for reading it.

I had an interesting conversation with my father today.

My called to check up on my parents and see how they were (I’m a good son).  My father happened to be off and was looking forward to spending some time away from the office.

I asked him why he was off and he told me he had a furlough day.  My father works for the state and the state is in a bit of a budget crunch.  To save money, all state employees were given 5 days off without pay this year, so he was taking some of his time off.  The plan has worked so well that the state plans to continue this next year and may go as high as 10 days.

My father said he was looking forward to having the day off though.  He planned to get together with one of his friends, another state employee that was off, and they were going to go to New York City for the day and do some sight-seeing.  He’s big into that.

That time without pay thing is getting around as companies are trying to “right-size” budgets.  I have a few friends that have also been given time off with out pay. Some are taking the time do to handywork around the house.  Others are visiting family.  Others are taking the time to get away and take a vacation.  They’re enjoying their extended vacation time off…

…and that’s where the problem starts.

News Flash:  THIS IS NOT VACATION TIME.  THIS IS NOT PERSONAL TIME.  STOP THINKING OF IT THAT WAY.

You need to change your thinking.   If you company is “giving” you this time off, it’s not a good thing.  Basically, you’ve been laid off for a few days.  That’s a more accurate description.

This should be a wake up call.  Your company would rather be less productive and save money than pay you to come into the office and work.  I repeat, this is not a good thing.  It’s better than being out of a job, but not by much.  You can bet your company is considering that and already had a plan in place in case things come to that.  What you need to do is plan a strategy for your to become more self-sufficient and less dependent on your job for a paycheck.

There are a lot of options out there; you just have to think outside the box a little.  I saw a little girl on the Wendy Williams show…..

Ok, let me explain that one. I’m a virtual employee, so I work from home.  I don’t watch a lot of daytime TV, but I happened to be channel surfing and Wendy Williams was on.  She had a little girl who basically thought outside the box and put together “haircare baskets” from existing products.  She made $100,000 last year…at age 13.   If that’s not inspiration to look for gaps in the marketplace, I don’t know what is.

I know some of you are thinking that these are just some bad economic times and that you’ll “ride the wave” until things pick up and everything will go back to the way it was.  Guess again.  If your employer was getting anything close to the production they were getting with fewer employees or man hours, why would they go back to spending more money when they don’t have to. It’s more likely that your company will continue doing “more with less”, using the fear of losing your job as motivation to keep people doing more.

You need to dig your head out of the sand, and quickly.  There are lots of things that can be done for you to help secure your own financial future.  Even if you don’t make $100,000 on your own, I’m sure if you did something part time and  made and extra $1000 a month, that would help out if you were to suddenly lose your job.

I also have some furlough time coming.  Instead of taking a vacation, I’m going to head to the library (yes, they still exist) and visit the Small Business Development Center.  That will give me a lot of ideas on how to free myself from the grip of corporate America and invest in my own future.

What will you with your day off?  Feel free to comment.

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This post has 1096 words. It will take approximately 10 minutes, 57 secondes for reading it.

Recently, I took my son to see “This Is It”, the film compilation of rehearsal, behind-the-scenes footage for Michael Jackson’s “This Is It” concert series that was to be held for 100 shows in London.  We got our tickets, popcorn, and soda, and expected to see an entertaining film about Michael Jackson, complete with the timeless moonwalk, a “scha-mon” here and there, and endless soundbites of “he-he”.  Instead I learned a lot more.

Michael Jackson was a hustler.  And a damn good one too.

He had you all fooled into thinking he was all about zipper pants, glittery gloves and wearing white socks with everything.   People talk about MJ because of child molestation accusations, Bubbles, carrying around a grown man like a 3-year-old (what ever happened to Emanuel Lewis?), or his battles with Vitiligo (hey, give him a break).  But Michael Jackson was about his business; his business just happened to be music.  In watching the film, I learned that Michael Jackson knew what a lot of us so-called business types still have failed to learn:

Love over Money

Through out the film, Michael kept talking about the love of what he was doing and the passion that follows it.  That’s key, and a lot of us miss it.  We’re so quick chasing a dollar that when we get it, it’s hard to hold onto because of how we got there.  Listen to most successful people.  Not your “guys” like Floyd Mayweather and those Cash Money Morons who throw money in the air every chance they get.  Not guys that will probably be broke in 10 years.  I’m talking about your Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Russell Simmonds.  They rarely talk about money first.  It’s almost as if the money is a product of something when you love what you do.  More attention is on staying true to the craft and what you do.

Focus on Service/Quality Of The Product

It’s been said there are three components of business: Price, Product, and Service/Quality.  If you have to focus on of them, I’d focus on Service/Quality.  It’s the only aspect of any business that is unique to the provider and can’t really be duplicated.

Too often, we focus on the Price and the Product itself; that’ really a mistake.  Focusing on price will cause you to lose business as soon as your competitor’s price is lower than yours.  Walmart has been doing that for decades.

Products become outdated, so focusing on the product itself is also a losing proposition.  I’m guessing that you haven’t used your VCR in years, and you might not even know what an eight-track player is.  Someone will always come around and build a better “mouse trap.”

Michael Jackson focused on the quality of his music.  There is a lot of music today that sounds better because of sound engineers, digital recording, and the autotune, but is the quality there? Will it be around 20 years from now? The hooks today are better, but I can almost guarantee you Chris Brown and Lil’ Wayne will be forgotten about in 20 years.  Michael’s music has lasted generations, from the Jackson 5 to his last album “Invincible”, and was indelible to everyone that heard it.  People say that his last album flopped; yeah, it flopped to about 13 million sales worldwide.  Most artists would dream to “flop” an album like that.  His best-selling album was Thriller, which did well over 100 million in sales world-wide.

But the biggest reason I know Michael Jackson put out a quality product was because of my son.  My son was singing along with a lot of his songs word for word.  It wasn’t just my kid, either.  There were dozens of parents in there with children from about age 5 up that were singing along.  You don’t last that long in any game unless you pour quality into your product.

Attention To Detail

One particular scene I remember was when  Michael and his producer were going over the music for “The Way You Make Me Feel.”  They were going over the intro and Michael kept harping on how he needed to make the intro “simmer” before going into the main part of the song.  The sticking point was one note.  ONE note.  One.  Not a whole bar, just one note that was dropping too early.  They must have gone over that 5 – 6 times before it got Michael’s approval, and he wasn’t moving off of what he wanted.

If Michael didn’t hear or see what he wanted, he stopped rehearsal and they did it again until they got it right.  Everything else seemed to flow, but if there was one aspect that didn’t quite work, the whole piece didn’t work.

Michael Jackson knew that people will demand success and remember your failures.  If you’re going to do something, do it right until it’s where you want it to be.

Be Hands On

Every great hustler/entrepreneur makes sure they are a part of the process in each aspect.  I remember years ago when Toni Braxton was on Oprah and she was saying how it was hard to manage millions of dollars so she had accountants and managers handling most of the money.  Oprah quickly pointed out that she still signed every check for Harpo Productions to makes sure she knew where the money was going.

I believe Oprah is currently sitting on about $1.5 billion right now.  Toni Braxton…not so much.

This doesn’t mean be micro-managing. Hire the right people and trust them to make good decision, but only a fool would leave their entire operation in someone else’s hands.  You need to know what’s going on.  Michael Jackson was hands on, even on what seemed to be menial tasks.  He  was even present at the dancer auditions, pointing out flaws and picking out the ones he wanted.  This could have been left to the dance choreographers, but if the dancers were going to be an “extension of Michael” as it was put, he wanted to make sure he was a part of the process.

“This Is It” taught me a lot about Michael Jackson’s drive to be successful, but it also gave me tools I could take away and apply in my own life and push to be successful.

It almost made me want to give him a pass for wearing skinny jeans and those damn Captain Crunch looking jackets throughout the entire film.

…almost.

Rest in Peace, MJ.

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This post has 707 words. It will take approximately 7 minutes, 4 secondes for reading it.

New Year’s Eve is coming up, and I’m starting to make my plans for the holiday.  I like to travel with friends and go to a party or two and bring in the new year upbeat.  I try to start each year anew and learn from my successes and failures of the last year.

For the last few years, I’ve gone to Atlanta (Note: I love Atlanta.  The people are friendly and you can’t throw a rock without hitting a gentlemen’s club or two).  I was talking with one of my best friends who lives there about last year’s festivities.

I remember a club we went to and some interesting characters we met.  There were a group of young men we called the “baby ballers.”  About eight of them, and none were taller than 5’8″.  They were a bunch of Kanye West wannabees, and if you know anything about how I feel about Kanye West, that’s not a compliment (see my post “Damn You Kanye West“).

Anyway you couldn’t tell these fools they weren’t the sh*t as they strolled through the crowd with their velvet blazers and scarfs to the crowded back area.

My boy and I started laughing at these fools the minute we laid eyes on them.  These guys were doing everything wrong, but you could tell they were so full of themselves and so full of sh*t that you could have given them “Meeting Women For Dummies” and it wouldn’t have helped.

They proceeded to post up in the pseudo VIP (that’s the table as far in the back as possible next to the actual VIP section), wave their scarfs in the air, look down over their shades, and show their collective asses for the rest of the night.  The problem is that I’ve seen this too often, and it’s time I intervened.  You “baby ballers” are not only embarrassing yourselves and your parents, you are embarrassing me.

So, for all of you “baby ballers” out there, you need a grown man to set you straight.  Let me give you a few tips:

• Don’t wear shades in the club.  You look like an idiot.  It’s already dark and you keep bumping into people because you can’t see.

• Feel free to order champagne and party all night but don’t draw attention to yourselves by holding up your bottle of champagne with the label sticking out for all to see.  You only make it clear that you aren’t used to drinking it.

• …especially if the eight of you have to share one bottle and sip your glass like it’s a bottle of Evian in the Sahara desert.  And when the bottle’s empty, ask your server to take it away.  You look like idiots when you pass an empty champagne bottle around to each other and take pictures with it like you’re really doing something.

• Think of a good way to introduce yourself to a woman.  Something that says you have character and half a brain.  Here’s an idea, how about “Hi, my name is (insert here).  I saw you from across the room and wanted to come meet you.  What’s your name? It’s nice to meet you.”  I’ve actually heard a young man introduce himself with the line  “HEY BABY, WASSUP WIT CHO P*SSY?” To call that ignant (yes, I said “ignant”; that’s a new level of ignorant) is an understatement.

• Don’t throw a wad of money in the air.  It’s immature and makes you look like a clown.  It makes you look even more stupid when its a wad of $1 bills.

• Leave a tip!  A gratuity.  If you can look like you can afford to buy champagne, you can look like you can afford to tip your server.  Saying “That’s the job they chose, why should I tip?” is a sorry excuse.

Come to think of it, I have a better idea.  Stop trying to be a baller.  A real man doesn’t have to show off.  It’s time for your to grow up.  Become a man among boys.

Feel free to comment.

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In the 1973 Bruce Lee classic “Enter The Dragon,”  Bruce Lee was confronted on a junk boat by a rude European and outsmarted him using “the art of fighting without fighting.”  Basically, he turned the European’s aggression against by challenging him to leave the junk on a rowboat together to fight on a nearby island.  When the European got onto the rowboat to go to the island, Lee let the boat go into the sea.  He used his brain and defeated his opponent.

The key is to get your opponent out of their comfort zone and take control of the situation.

Chapter 6 of  Sun Tsu’s “The Art Of War” (if you haven’t read it yet, ya slippin’; one of the best books on strategy and philosophy ever written) talks about “Weak Points and Strong”, detailing how your opportunities come from the openings in the environment caused by the relative weakness of your enemy in a given area.  You have to know where you are and who your opponent is.  Lack of knowledge of either leads to defeat.

The same applies in your relationships.  Whether you want to admit or not,  an argument, disagreement, or debate is a conflict.  If you know your opponent, whether they be a co-worker, your wife, or your best friend, you can turn the tables to your favor.

When I worked in Philadelphia, one of my peers was a friendly yet somewhat unprofessional and loud woman we’ll call “Ann.”  “Ann” was very friendly and loved by many, but the key to her power was to act a fool in large groups and take over a situation.  Quite a few times, I allowed her to railroad me and take me out of my game.

The more I worked with her, the more I got to know her habits.  She’d wait for a management meeting or for a crowd to gather on the work floor and show her ass.  An audience to her was like spinach to Popeye; that was her source of strength.  Arguing with her and getting loud in public not only made us both look like fools, but it gave her the advantage.

People gather strength through stability and stability often comes from habits.  Dictionary. com defines a habit as “an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary.”   The next time you’re with lady, friends, or co-workers, observe what they do.

For example, if you keep having arguments with your lady….and losing, try some of the following:

• Sleep on her side of the bed.  People are creatures of habit.  She won’t have the “perfect fit” in the little den she made.  She may have to turn the other way to avoid the window.  If she asks why, just tell her you’d like to see what it’s like.  Then, engage the enemy.

• If you’re the one that always drives, ask her to take the wheel.  Wait until your down the road a little and then bring up whatever problem you’re having.  She won’t be ready for it because she’s not used to focusing on the road and chewing you a new ass at the same time.

• Switch up your style and take a “southpaw” stance.  If she always initiates conversations, attack first and attack strong.  If you usually talk first, lay back and wait.  She knows you’ll want to bring it up and she’ll be wondering why you haven’t spoken. If she asks if you want to talk about it, tell her “maybe later.”

• If they have a favorite chair or spot on the couch, make sure you sit there first and then start the conversation.  You’ve effectively taken away their “power seat”.

These may seem small, but you’d be surprised at how effective they are.  Try this at work.  If you have a meeting and there’s always one person that tries to take over the meeting, get to the meeting early and take their seat.  I bet they won’t be as talkative.

Back to “Ann”.  Her playing to the crowd told me that she needed immediate support and acceptance to be effective.  Head nods, “uh huh”s, “I agree”s.  If  I could separate her from those, she’s finished.

My department began to having problems some people “Ann” managed, so I asked her to come to my office to talk about it.  No crowds, no supporters.  When she asked could it wait until the meeting, I said no and that it was urgent enough to be addressed right now.  “Ann”‘s power was gone now; we were in private and there was no one to perform for.

During our management meetings, whenever she had an issue she wanted to start blasting off,  I replied, “Let’s take that offline.  We can discuss it in my office after the meeting.”  If she caught me in the hallway in front of a group and wanted to cut up, I’d say “I see your concern.  Why don’t you follow me to my office and we’ll talk about it there?”

Notice how it was always my office.  I didn’t want to meet in her office.  There she had control.  She could invite as many onlookers as she liked.  She could show her ass for the world to see in her office.  But in my office…my rules.  I invited no one else and the meetings were always closed-door.  I’d effectively turned the tables.   Her power was gone and I had control now.

Fighting without Fighting.

Feel free to comment.

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