As I walked into “The Cloffice”, the name we gave my small writing office/closet, I had no idea what I was going to write about. Often, I do not. Usually, there is no plan and I like it that way. I have a hard time being creative and genuine when my writing is pre-planned. This morning, as I turned on my lamp in “The Cloffice”, I immediately knew the message I needed to share.
In our Sunday small group this weekend, we were discussing how to not just read, but study scripture. I asked our group to choose a verse from Colossians chapter 3 to use as an example and we would dive into it. Randomly, someone said, “I like Colossians 3:21.”
“Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” Colossians 3:21 NIV
It is interesting that this verse is addressed to fathers. It does not say mothers and fathers. Although I did find a modern translation that changed it to “Parents,” the actual word that this is translated from means, “a father; of the male parent.” This scripture is speaking directly to and heavily cautioning dads in the way they motivate, inspire, and influence their sons.
As I reached through the complete darkness and flipped the switch on my lamp, I knew exactly what I was going to write about. Strategically positioned next to my lamp was my youngest son’s wrestling trophy. It was the first thing illuminated by the light and therefore the first thing I saw. He placed it right next to my computer where he knew I would look at it as I sat at my desk. I smiled immediately as I knew what he was thinking. He wanted his dad to never forget how proud of him he was.
This weekend, my son (7), wrestled in his first tournament. I was excited a few weeks ago as he begged me to put him in wrestling. He did not need to beg as I knew how good this sport would be for him. Most of my close friends from high school were wrestlers. I loved the discipline, toughness, and tribe mentality that the sport instilled in them. I wrestled my freshman year. That year our school began a streak of 8 or 9 consecutive state championships. I would like to say that I contributed to that first one, but that would not be reality. I really enjoyed the sport, the coach, and the program, but had dreams and goals of playing college football. For a guy that was not blessed with natural height and size, I could not afford losing the weight.
My son struggles with attention and processing. Wrestling is great because he is hooked up and must always focus his attention on one single opponent. There is no time to be distracted by everything else that is going on. I have always been hard on my boys to give their best. This is a discipline that I, like a lot of other dads, have planted into them. I encourage you to do the same with your sons but there is one extremely important key to this; expect nothing less, but also expect nothing more.
Expect Nothing Less
As a dad, you know or should know, what your son’s potential is. Just like a good coach, you know better than your son what his limits are. You can see better than he can how far he can reach and what he can accomplish. Every boy has to grow in his ability to push himself to achieve his best or learn how to “flip the switch.” It is a process. For you, dad, it is also a process learning how to best motivate your son to reach and give his best. Giving his best at whatever he is involved with during his childhood years will establish a much needed discipline as an adult. This can be done through many things other than sports; such as work, school work, school activities, chores, volunteering, etc. Teach your son to strive for his best. What is “his best?” Only you know the answer to that question in regard to your son. Do not let him fall beneath what he is capable of. Encourage him, motivate him, teach him, and even model for him the “how” and “why” of whatever task is in front of him. Do not let him get away with doing things halfway. Even the small things at home will eventually translate into the larger and more important issues of life. If his chore at home is loading the dishwasher, then make him do it correctly. If he does not, then make him redo it. These little things that we allow our sons to skimp on will infiltrate the disciplines that we are trying to teach him as he grows into a man and eventually a husband and father one day.
Expect Nothing More
It is crucial to note that his best is not someone else’s best. Giving his best does not mean that he will do a particular skill better than the other boys. All it means is that it is his very best. Only judge your son’s best on the potential that you see in him as his dad. The outcome is not the goal. The discipline of learning to give his own, unique, personal absolute best is the goal. And this is what you need to be proud of him for. Your son’s best may mean that he makes straight B’s in school and will not be the valedictorian. It may mean that he is an excellent drummer in the band but never makes 1st chair. For me, a lifelong Cubbie, it may mean that my sons learn to push themselves physically and mentally through the game of baseball but may never send a three-run shot over the ivy on the northside of Chicago. Let me ask you dads a question. Are you the GOAT of anything? Unless Tom Brady and Michael Jordan are reading this, then the answer is no. Next question. Then why are you expecting him to be? The point is, dads, that you expect nothing more of your son than his personal best.” You have the green light to push your son, and push him hard. But only push him to max his own personal potential. If you do not know your son well enough to know what his potential is, then get to know him. That is where you need to start first.
Encouragement is the necessary tool in teaching your son this discipline. Going back to our verse in Colossians, discouragement comes from pushing your son in the wrong way. Discouragement comes from driving him to achieve something that is unrealistic for him. He can achieve more than he knows, but he may not be able to achieve the dreams you have for him. Your ultimate dream for your son should be to grow into an amazing husband and father; a man. Communicate that to him now. All of these things that he is active in now as a boy are only training grounds for developing him into that future man. View them as such. When he is faced with a crisis one day as the leader of his own family, he will instinctively give his best to provide or protect because that is the discipline and expectation that he spent years developing. That is the goal you should have as a dad, not the 3rd place trophy from his first wrestling tournament.
My son placing the trophy on my desk was so special to me. It reminded me how precious and even fragile the development of our sons can be. He strives for my adoration and acceptance of him, as all sons do. He wanted to share that trophy with me, but more importantly, he set up a memorial for me to remember the day he gave his best as I asked him to do. I could not believe that he did not want to set that trophy on his own shelf and see it every day. It was more important to him that I was the one that sees it every day. What an unbelievably great responsibility we dads have. It is a tough task and responsibility, but one that I would not trade for anything in the world. Raising my sons is the greatest treasure and joy that I have ever been given.
Dads, it is time to be a Man Among Boys.
