The mission of Man Among Boys is to help men raise the next generation of men. I believe most, if not all, men want to do and be better as a father. This is the heartbeat of men. How do I know this? Because, aside from the fact that I am one myself, I see it everywhere from the men I encounter and observe. The problem is this; there is a great disconnect between where we are as a father, mentor, coach, etc, and where we want to be. We see other dads out there who appear to be crushing it, but we do not see a pathway in becoming one of those solid dads ourselves. That is where we come in. Man Among Boys began as a vision almost twenty years ago, several years before my sons were born. It was not until the last several years that I took that vision and began creating a platform to reach men. I will be clear, I, unapologetically, am a Christian man. I grew up in a God-honoring home, but it was not until 21 years ago, at the age of 21, that I understood that I would never be the man, husband, father, and leader I desired if I was not intentionally and whole-heartedly following my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
With that said, Man Among Boys was not created for the Church. It was not birthed out of a men’s ministry. Man Among Boys was created for Men, period. I do not care who you are, where you are from, if you share my faith, a different faith, or no faith at all. If you are a man and you are raising boys, then this is for you. You will see lessons from the Bible at times. You will see scripture references used here and there. The reason for this is best stated in the words of Peter and John when they were brought before the religious leaders, “the church people,” and commanded not to speak or teach in the name of Jesus,
“Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God’s sight to obey you rather than God. For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard.” Acts 4:20 NIV.
This is who I am. I cannot help speaking about what I “have seen and heard.” Again, I do not apologize. If that confession turned you off or if you have been hurt, offended, rejected by Christians and/or the Church or you just don’t care for “church people,” we may have more in common than you think, so stick around. I have volunteered in church leadership my entire adult life, and I will continue to do so. But I also do not care for “church people.” I use quotations around “church people” as I will clarify what I mean by that term in a future article. This is a good place to also note that one of the greatest signs of maturity is your ability to filter. Unfortunately, the flip side of this mature filtering process has been very evident over the past few years in what is referred to as “cancel culture.” If you enjoy most of what you read here and it is beneficial to your life, but you just cannot get past one or two things that I said, then you need to exercise your filter. Or maybe, you recognize that this is an area that you need personal growth. I use my filter for every person I follow. If I did not, and instead canceled them, I would miss out on so many great lessons that I have learned from others. It is impossible to agree one hundred percent with another person. To be honest, one of the reasons it took me so long to take this vision to its now tangible form is the question, “What if someone disagrees?” If you find that you are just having to filter too much to glean any good here, then move on. And do so knowing that I pray you will be richly blessed in finding what you need to help you grow in your journey as a man raising sons. Now that I have offended everyone, let’s get into the lesson!
Part 1: Who Are You?
It has been on my heart for a long time to take principles from my favorite book of the Bible, Nehemiah, to teach men how to bridge that gap as discussed earlier. Nehemiah was a great leader who led with incredible passion for a selfless cause. This is what we men must get on the inside of us to properly raise our sons and this next generation of men. My aim is to provide you with a guide to first, find yourself, then to effectively communicate these principles to your son. These lessons will be underneath the Weekly Whetstone tab. The Weekly Whetstone was created to directly sharpen you as a man. If you are curious what a whetstone is, then come back later and click here: What is A Whetstone?
“The words of Nehemiah son of Hacaliah: In the month of Kislev in the twentieth year, while I was in the citadel of Susa, Hanani, one of my brothers, came from Judah with some other men, and I questioned them about the Jewish remnant that survived the exile, and also about Jerusalem. They said, ‘Those who survived the exile and are back in the province are in great trouble and disgrace. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates have been burned with fire.’ When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven.” Nehemiah 1:1-4 NIV
Men, do you know who you are? If not, then how will your sons know who you are and more importantly, who they are? This principle hit me after my wife and I lost our first child to miscarriage. As so many of you have experienced the same loss, you may deeply relate to the thoughts, emotions, sorrow, and healing that follows. This is devastating to every dad who has gone through this, but we men will never truly know the unbelievable sorrow that our wives have as this miraculous life was a part of her body. I wanted so badly to take all of her pain and place it in me. This is the moment I realized that I did not know who I was.
Many men think they know who they are, but it is not until they are tested that they truly know. You do not know what life will throw at you, so it is impossible to train for every possible scenario. The only thing we can do is to prepare ourselves internally by knowing who we are. Many years ago, I heard Life Church Pastor Craig Groeschel say, “When you know who you are, you know what to do.” When I heard this, it hit me deep inside and I immediately latched onto it. This may be the most vital truth I have ever heard concerning the development and actions of a man. Men do not know what to do, because they do not know who they are! Look how confused this generation of men are. They are feeble, befuddled, and defeated. They are led by everchanging emotions instead of an inner core value system. They are told that truth is relative. It is fluid based on their fluctuating feelings. They are told that masculinity is toxic and to therefore pursue feminism. They are encouraged to not deal with hard things. If something is difficult or painful then, choose a comfortable alternative path. Yikes! Someone should do something, right? Thankfully, many men are.
Nehemiah knew what to do because he knew who he was. When he heard the devastating news about his people he wept. An important lesson for men right here is that he dealt with his feelings. One thing I can currently get on board with is that men have been told for so long to suppress their feelings. We have been programed to believe that emotions make us weak. This is not true. There is nothing masculine about pretending to not feel something. Feelings are just a byproduct of what is going on in your life. If you want to be tough, then face your feelings and manage them. The only true weakness comes from you being led by your emotions rather than by your convictions. Let’s be real and call it what it is; Fear. Because men have not mastered this fear, they have just tried to completely bypass the process by masking it with stoicism and toughness. These two characteristics are very important, but their purpose is not to promote posers. Men know that it is cowardly to run from anything, yet we have somehow justified hiding and even running from dealing with the fear of what our feelings and deepest thoughts may expose.
What about toughness? Aren’t men supposed to be tough? You bet! I believe in toughness. I teach my boys to be tough. Life requires, even demands, men to be tough. And I would not have it any other way. There are many instances when a man must put emotions aside and do what needs to be done. There are countless moments in my life, and I am sure yours as well, where I have had to lead or make a decision while putting my feelings or personal needs on the back burner. But being tough does not always equal forgetting your feelings. Men spend more time toughening up their external appearance than tapping into the internal place where toughness actually resides. If you want to be tough, then battle, go to war, and face your fears like a man. Work through the emotions and start leading from a place of freedom and courage. Please note that managing your emotions and “being emotional” are two very different things.
Nehemiah fully understood this. He did not suppress his emotions; he bravely faced his feelings in order to appropriately and courageously move forward. He wept. For many days, he wept and mourned. He knew that he was a physical leader to his people. He felt their pain. If you are a leader, this includes being a mom or dad, then you know the pain you feel for your people. When they are hurting, you are hurting. Nehemiah also knew he was a spiritual leader for his people. He prayed and fasted for many days. As we will see throughout this book of the Bible, he understood the importance of spending time in prayer before he made decisions. He reflected on who he was, therefore, he was confident in knowing what to do.
I wept for the loss of our child those many years ago. I then wept and mourned for my wife and the loss of her joy and purpose. Then, I prayed and began to rise spiritually on behalf of my family. This was a process of stripping myself completely from fear. I had to remove the weight of the pain, weakness, and fear that was holding me down and keeping me from becoming something greater for my wife and future family. This was the beginning of finding who I was as a man. And this led to me placing myself into some very humble situations in order to grow into a real, tough, and complete man. Although, I fully admit I am still a work in progress. Just ask my wife!
Men, like Nehemiah, you too are a physical and spiritual leader. If you have a family, then you are automatically in this position. If you are someone who has told yourself that you are not a leader or you are just waiting for someone to confirm leadership status in you, then here it is; You Are A Leader! If you are reading this and have not yet started your journey as a husband and father, then I still give you the same charge. Start leading now by leading yourself. Start building the man you need to become and be steps ahead of where many of us were when we began our families.
The main purpose of this message is to instill these essential qualities into your son. But in being a man and being around other men, I know that we first must become these things ourselves. Our sons will learn more by what we show, rather than by what we say. Begin the process now. It is never too late to change some things in your life. If facing your fears, dealing with deep internal issues, and learning to be in control of your emotions has not been worth the battle, then I am going to ask you to think outside of yourself. Please think of your son. He will either live his life in the same manner you did, or he will have to struggle through your battle on top of his own battles to overcome that way of life. No matter what, he will have his own personal battles. That is part of the journey to manhood. Why should he have to fight your battle as well?
Men, do not be self-centered. Fight your own personal battle instead of passing it down. He will have enough to deal with already. Leave him with land, real estate, guns, or other sentimental inheritance. Don’t leave him with your unresolved issues. Being a man is tough. It is a lot of hard work. It is a long difficult journey and process. This is why some today are opting out. It sucks at times. But it is so worth it and what an honor the Lord has bestowed upon you by creating you as a man. For those of us raising the next generation of men, what an unbelievably great honor as well.
I am excited as we learn more together from the life of Nehemiah. Men, I believe he left us with a lot of gold nuggets when it comes to understanding who we are as men. It will take courage to apply these principles to our lives and even more courage and boldness to instill them into our sons. But as you work this process, I believe you will experience the greatest freedom and joy of your life.
Men, let’s find out who you are.
