I am grateful to have had, and still have, a great dad. But from the many messages that I receive from men and women, I know that is unfortunately not everyone’s story. I regularly hear from men who grew up with no father or a father who they want to be nothing like. I also hear from many women who are raising sons by themselves who are searching for ways to help their boys grow into good men. I applaud these single moms for being such heroes in their sons’ lives. Your messages daily confirm to me the need for men to speak up and share what they know or invite others alongside their own journey as a man and father. I am honored that Man Among Boys is serving in some capacity to help men and women raise the next generation of great men.
Unfortunately, we all are aware of the great issue of fatherlessness that we have faced over the last many years. It is an increasingly growing problem. A quick search on the internet can produce the devastating statistics for you to read for yourself. We are seeing the fruit of this now as our young men are timid, passive, weak, alone, and confused. They don’t know who they are. If you follow my writing or my social media videos, then you know how passionate I am about men understanding who they are. I believe this is the biggest question men are facing. Do you know who you are?
My story is far from perfect. I face insecurities. I have hurt. I have made many mistakes and will continue to make more. But what I am grateful for is a great father along with other men in my life who have shown me the way to be a man. And equally important, I had a mom (my hero) who understood the importance of raising a boy to be a strong, masculine, discerning, compassionate, and bold leader. I am a man who fully understands and appreciates the work a mother does for her boys. You mothers are vital in raising good men. Mothers, keep your head up and stay diligent. You are doing a great work and one day you will be richly rewarded as you watch your young men become great husbands and fathers. One day, your son may tell you that you are his hero.
What Should A Man Learn From His Father?
We will discuss five things that a father should have taught his son. This is not a complete list and there are far more than five things. But, for now we will start will these five. I believe these are important truths that a man should have been shown by another man, preferably his father.
How to Follow a Code of Ethics
Every man should have a system of values that lead and guide him. Some call this a moral code, a code of ethics, or a value system. These values are what keep a man accountable. They are what should direct him in decision making. They are his moral compass. My value system comes from my faith and Biblical principles. Where do yours come from? How do you know right from wrong? Do you have a code of ethics that you can lean on or fall back on when dealing with others? Every man needs something to keep him on the straight and narrow otherwise he is blown around by every wind that sweeps through. Without a value system, men are confused, not knowing what to think, what to believe, or where to firmly stand. Without this, he is most likely to be led by emotions rather than purpose.
How to Process Emotions
As I said in the previous sentence, men are not to be led by emotions. Emotions are how we are designed to process things in life. They are not a foundation for guidance and leadership. A person can be happy one minute and the very next heartbroken. Emotions are necessary but can lead us in wrong directions and down roads that are destructive such as addiction or abuse for example. Emotions are tools to help us but are not the same as our purpose or our value system. Men should be taught by their father how to process these emotions, how to communicate them, and how to use them to grow as men, husbands, fathers, friends, and leaders.
Boys need to know that it is okay to feel any emotion. Feeling or expressing an emotion does not make you weak. The problem lies in what we do with that emotion. Feeling anger is natural. But if I use that anger to hurt someone, that is wrong. If I feel sad and I hurt myself that is wrong. Even happiness, if it becomes our leader, can lead us to unhealthy outcomes. If it makes me happy to lay around everyday binge-watching shows and eating junk food, then that is wrong. A father must teach his son healthy ways to process, discuss, and express his emotions in ways that are healthy to him and to others.
How to Communicate with Others
Unfortunately, many men use these incorrectly processed emotions to affect relationships with those that they love or spend time with. It is easy for our emotions to drive our communication. If we are angry, sad, or stressed we can either lash out or shut down. Many men bottle these feelings up and do their best to ignore them. These can become insecurities that greatly affect how we communicate with others. I enjoy having deep conversations with other men, but I have to search hard to find men who can do this. Most keep everything far beneath the surface because they were never correctly taught how to have confidence in who they are.
Everything circles back to my big question, “Who are you?” I can easily discern between a man who is confident and one who is trying to appear confident. One knows who he is and the other is masking his insecurities. This is all part of communication. When men are confident in who they are, they can stand up straight, look someone in the eye, answer questions with real thoughts and feelings, and can converse with someone else in genuine and meaningful ways. Men should be shown by their father how to communicate with others. They should be taught how to connect with others on deeper levels than discussing how many inches of rain we received last Thursday, or did you catch the game last night?
How to Sharpen Yourself
I recently shared in another post, “How Does A Man Stay Sharp,” ways in which a man can sharpen himself. Please go back and read this post if you have not already. Here, I am going to just discuss one of the ways, the number one way, that a man stays sharp. There is a very popular saying among men, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” This is not just a saying. It comes from a proverb in the Bible (Proverbs 27:17). Men are created to be whetstones, a sharpening stone, for other men. We are made with a more abrasive grit. An abrasive grit is necessary to sharpen a very hard material. My wife makes me a better man in so many ways, but I have learned that I also need the abrasiveness of another man to get that razor sharp edge.
I need other men holding me accountable, pushing me, providing those deep conversations I discussed earlier, and aiding me in finding and living out my purpose. Statistically speaking, the vast majority of men do not have even one other man in their life that they have a deep and meaningful relationship with. Most men have buddies that they have fun with, but there is not much sharpening going on. If you are a father, please show your son the importance of finding strong relationships with other men. As he grows, you should serve in this capacity for him until he develops these relationships on his own.
How to Love One Woman
Many women complain that it is hard to find a man who will commit. Have you ever heard that? Yes you have. I hate to be so redundant, but here is the big question again, “Who are you?” When men do not understand who they are, they struggle to commit, to be devoted, to show affection, and to ultimately allow someone else inside. When we do not have a confidence in who we are, we are not going to allow someone else in to see our mess and confusion. If you are a woman and reading this, this may be shedding light for you on why your husband seems so closed off. Or maybe this explains your teenage son.
Boys need to be shown by their father how to love a woman. He needs to see that a man can be strong, he can be a hero, and all the other macho things. But he should also see him be tender, soft, affectionate, protective, giving, and sacrificial with the unconditional love that he gives his wife. Not only does this show him how to love his own wife one day, but it also shows a boy how a man can be extremely devoted and faithful to all things that are important to him in life. It places value in appropriate areas. It teaches him there are things in life that are worth strapping on the armor and fighting ferociously for. If a boy sees his parents fight, then he should also see the process of forgiveness and reconciliation. I am aware that many, maybe most, reading this have experienced in some way the effects of separation, divorce, and unfaithfulness. This doesn’t take away from the message. If anything it should amplify the need for a man to model a commitment of love for his wife in front of his son.
These five things are important but are nowhere near an exhausted list. You may not have had a father teaching you these things, but that is not an excuse to not teach them to your son. Put yourself in places to learn from other good men. It is okay if you are a work in progress. I am. Just keep progressing and growing as a man and a father. When you make mistakes, and you will, make them right and keep moving forward. Your son can learn great lessons by watching his father fail and get back up, over, and over, and over. The greatest lesson you can live out for him is never giving up on being an intentional and present father to him.
Strive to be a great dad. Strive to be a Man Among Boys.
