If you search for it, you can learn a lesson from anything. Sometimes, the greatest wisdom can come from a loss. I first learned this when I coached high school football. No one likes losing. In fact, we hate it. We should strive to win, but the hard truth is that you will not and cannot always win. You will suffer a loss or defeat at times.
How Will You Handle It?
As a former coach, I have been a part of teams that mentally could not get it back together after losing a game, losing a player, or even losing a coach or leader. On the other hand, I have been with teams that fell, got back up, and developed a winning mentality. These players humbled themselves, kept their eyes on the vision, learned from the full scope of the defeat, and sharpened each other with what they learned. The loss launched them into a higher level of motivation, competitiveness, and commitment to team.
Looking back on those seasons, I realize that those successes may not have come without the loss earlier in the season. A loss can strip you of pride. It can bring some possibly much needed humility. It can re-focus your perspective. It can teach you that you need others and others need you. The good news is that with humility and the right frame of mind you can turn those losses into lessons. These moments can define who you are and how you see the world around you.
Whether you are a coach, a dad, or both, allow your boys to learn from a loss. I am not in any way advocating that you welcome a loss. You do not have to invite one. They will show up, and usually unexpectedly. What I am asking, is when they do arrive, handle it correctly with your sons or players. Coach and parent them through the loss. Do not shame them. Shaming a boy is really just showing him your own fear of losing.
Allow Your Son to Lose
We have all seen the parents who protect their kids from ever experiencing a loss or a failing moment. These parents are the first ones making phone calls to the school or marching to the principal’s office because their child was mildly reprimanded. They are in their coaches face at the close of a game because their child sat out a couple of plays. They are so fearful of that ride home with their child and seeing them having a moment of hurt or sadness. Those situations are why you are a parent! Teach and coach them about life and how to overcome.
Some of these parents set their focus and even finances on setting their kids up to constantly win, win, win. I have seen instances when these parents leave a wake of hurt people in their path as they build communities around their kids, only to abandon them when they find better platforms to level up or showcase their kids. What does this teach your kids? It teaches them unrealistic and sometimes unachievable expectations. It conditions them to believe that winning equals love from their parents.
Everything we do as dads and coaches should be geared toward preparing our boys for life, manhood, marriage, and fatherhood. This is the journey they will embark on in a few short years. Unless you live in a tiny bubble, you have an amazing platform to teach your boys from, the world. You do not have to create wins and losses moments. They are going to come every day. You just must have the right mindset to teach and coach from as those moments present themselves.
As an adult (coach or dad), protect your boys from things that you should protect them from. I would argue that many of us need to dial down our protection a bit. Lead them in the areas they need led. Teach them in the teachable moments. Coach them when they are in the action. Trust in the process and in the reality that you are a growing father. Allow yourself to learn from your own times of losses as you parent. Apologize if needed, re-route, re-focus, and get back in the game. Your son doesn’t need to see you as perfect; he just needs to see that you are doing your best. He needs to see that when you fall, you get back up. That is what you are modeling for him, not perfection.
Men, Dads, Coaches:
When these boys are grown men one day and life presents a defeat in their life, will they be prepared for it? Will it be the first time they have ever been faced with a loss? If you are in a place of authority over a young boy, then I encourage you to stop shielding them from ever losing.
Keep coaching to win, but don’t forget to continue coaching when they lose.
