“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.” Deuteronomy 6:5-7 NKJV
I love connecting with my boys and I feel like we do quite often. The only problem is that it usually happens by chance. Like you, my wife and I are very busy with work, shuffling boys around, and just life in general. As soon as I walk in the door in the evening, at least one of the boys says, “Oh, Hi Dad,” then starts to tell me something that happened that day. Sometimes I do not have time to fully engage as I am trying to figure out what is for dinner or just trying to get turned around to take one of the boys to their evening game, practice or (fill in the blank) activity. Often, my wife goes one direction with a boy or two and I head another direction doing the same. By the way, God bless all of you single parents. You are true heroes as you handle the same routine but by yourself. Single parents are some of the most organized people I know!
Several months ago, Ian was telling me a story from off-season football. He was so excited and animated as he recalled the account. I can always tell when he is genuinely joyful about something. His happiness is evident from his increased speed of speech, pacing back and forth, and ending his story with his signature thumbs up and, “It was Great!” After he walked away, I thought, “man, I wonder how many of these moments I’ve missed by always feeling rushed.”
That is when it hit me; connecting is intentional.
I picked a time, the only time that I knew I could be consistent, to reserve one hour a week, for one of the boys to spend time with Dad one on one. That time is Wednesday nights after church. Every Wednesday I take one of them to get ice cream and we sit down for one hour together. There is no script or preplanned discussion. I just sit there and listen as they share what is going on in their life. I must admit that I started this for me. I wanted to connect and listen more to what was going on in their lives. I did not realize how much they wanted and needed this too. Ayden, my thirteen-year-old, is always trying to bribe his older brother with something to get his nights also. The other day he said, “Dad, I know what I want for Christmas this year; Ian’s Wednesday nights.” I have learned so much about their hearts from doing this. Of course, we still get those daily moments, but these Wednesdays are so special and much needed. They are intentional.
This is Your Responsibility
After keeping this Wednesday night routine for almost a year, I have realized something very important. Although I believe my sons are the greatest kids on earth, I know the truth is your sons are just as special. My sons are not desiring something that yours are not. Your boys want the same from you. You may be shaking your head “no” right now, but it is true. Have you created an environment for them to open up to you? Have you been intentional in trying to connect with them? Maybe you have spent more time talking and not enough time listening. I believe the greatest hurt that boys take with them into manhood comes from their dads. Not knowing what their dad is thinking, how he feels toward him, or wondering if he is pleased with him creates tremendous insecurities. I am willing to bet that most, if not all, men reading this would agree with what I just said. If you have already realized this and are creating the same cycle with your son, then shame on you!
Start with You
I understand that for a lot of you, life has been hard. You might say your journey was hell and you would gladly have settled for just “hard.” You have traveled a difficult road and you do not even know where to start with your son. You are the reason that I began writing. I am not an expert in fathering. I am just a man with a passion who is inviting you to do this thing together. Hopefully, my failures and/or successes can inspire all of us to keep striving to do better with our sons. I get it wrong at times, but my drive to be the best man I can for my sons causes me to get back up and keep trying until I learn the right way. You may be at a place where you have absolutely no confidence in yourself as a father or maybe even as a man to know where to begin. That is okay. Recognizing that is essential and a huge step in the right direction. If this is you, then you need to first start on yourself. Create time and space to work on you. You cannot be there for your son if you are not even there for yourself.
Here are some places to start working on you:
Isolation is Man’s Worst Enemy
Like Jesus and Superman, Every Man Needs a Fortress of Solitude
Find Your Thing with Your Son
Dads, I encourage you to find something similar with your son. It may not be ice cream. It may not even mean that you leave the house. Just find a designated time, an intentional time, for one-on-ones with him. Even if the best you can do right now is scheduling once a month, that may still be more than what you normally have given him. He wants to know that you feel he is important to you. This is just one simple way to do that. Also, it may surprise you how much he also desires to connect with you. Do not be the reason that your son lives with hurt and insecurity as a man. You cannot protect him from having to overcome hurt. It is a part of life and an important step in becoming a man. But, you can dang sure do your best to not be the source of it.
