It is a long running joke that men will not stop to ask for directions. When I take my family somewhere we have not been before, I look at the map on my phone before we leave, memorize it, and then trust myself to get us where we need to go. It’s a challenge. If I conquer the challenge, then I get a boost of confidence, puff out my chest, and boast to my less than enthused wife. She does not share in my necessity to become an expert in all things directional. She maps the location, hits “GO,” and then lets a voice tell her when to make every move. We have had many intense conversations about that silly voice telling me where to turn. “How will you ever learn directions if you are always mindlessly following some robot voice,” I always ask. She does not care. Now as I am driving, she secretly maps our destination, mutes the annoying robot voice, and then pretends to look at social media while I drive. You gotta love her!
Women see this manly trait as stubborn pride. Although that is partly true, there is more to it than that. We men are hunters. It is an innate quality that we cannot help. We seek and we find. We hunt. I am not a psychologist, but I am sure that it would be described as a dopamine rush when a man finally finds what he is hunting for. And, when he does it with no outside help. There is a sports and outdoor store in my town that I enjoy supporting when it comes to my family’s sporting goods needs. The workers are great, but there is just one problem that I have. As soon as I open the door someone shouts from across the store, “What are you looking for?” My boys smile and look at me because they know I do not like this. I need to hunt and harvest whatever it is I am in need of. Inevitably, I tell them why I am there, and they take me to the product. They stand with me until I confirm I want it, and then take me directly to the register to close the sale. They deprive me of my masculine fix. Also, they miss out on me making an extra purchase as I most likely would see something else I “need” during the hunt.
I do greatly appreciate this God given characteristic in men, although it can become a huge hindrance. Due to this high that we men experience when we seek and find, we do not recognize the times that we really should be asking for help. We do not ask for assistance in the little things which in turn leads to not seeking help in the larger struggles in life. In today’s lesson, we can learn from Nehemiah that it is necessary to ask for support. Nehemiah was passionate about his mission, and he understood that with the proper aid, he would be able to more safely and efficiently achieve his goal.
“I also said to him, ‘If it pleases the king, may I have letters to the governors of Trans-Euphrates, so that they will provide me with safe conduct until I arrive in Judah? And may I have a letter to Asaph, keeper of the king’s forest, so he will provide me timber to make beams for the gates of the citadel by the temple and for the city wall and for the residence I will occupy?’ And because the gracious hand of my God was upon me, the king granted my requests.” Nehemiah 2:7-8 NIV
Nehemiah realized that our manly stubborn pride would only get in the way of correctly serving his people. If you remember from our first lesson in the series, Nehemiah wept and mourned for these people. He was more interested in completing this mission in a timely manner than he was boosting his confidence for a job well done; alone. He taught us the importance of asking for help. He knew that if the king’s favor went along with him, then the process would come together expeditiously. In fact, because of his request, the king’s favor surpassed his expectations. In the next verse is says, “The king had also sent army officers and calvary with me (v.9 NIV).” Due to his humility to ask for help, God granted him more than he requested.
How many times have we men missed out on the opportunity for not only help, but abundant help, because we did not know how to ask for it? The answer for each of us is most likely too numerous to count or recall. I am the first to humbly admit this. Here are our rationalizations for why we do not seek help:
- “I don’t want to bother them with my problems.”
- “They just wouldn’t understand.”
- “No one else is dealing with this issue but me.”
- “No one cares what I am going through.”
- “I don’t want them to judge me for this issue.”
- “I am too embarrassed.”
- “I am beyond help at this point.”
Have you ever reasoned with any of these justifications? I will answer for you: Yes, you have. These are the thoughts men have when it comes to seeking assistance in our lives. We need help, but we do not want help. If someone were to help us, then we would have to tear down the self-constructed wall and the sophisticated security measures that we have worked a lifetime putting in place to guard our hearts and minds. How humiliating! Right? In the men’s circles that I follow, there is a common message heard regularly. You may have heard this many times as well. It goes something like this: The men who rise to the top are the men who are willing to look like the idiot. These are the ones who are fed up with putting on a façade. They are willing to put themselves out there, take the risk of looking the fool, in the hopes of making a difference and leading the way. It is humiliating. But that is the whole point. Humility is the key to repairing your heart and mind. Many times, other men are the only ones who can truly help. We have all been there. But you must humble yourself and ask for help.
As a very young man, I was a group leader in a men’s organization that did just what we are talking about in this lesson. My eyes were opened. I could not believe the struggle that men two and three times my age were sharing with me. I was so humbled to see that these men were asking for help. They did not care any longer about the internal justifications that we listed earlier. They were fed up with living alone in their internal darkness. I watched as these men were set free because they were open enough to request assistance. This taught me an amazing lesson and I am grateful to have had my eyes opened to this as a young man. This has stayed relevant in my life as I have continued to move forward with a vision to help men and the next generation of men.
As fathers, this lesson is so important to impart into our sons. As a person who is not afraid to be alone with his thoughts, in fact I intentionally schedule creative time every day, I understand that I have a calling to share many of those thoughts to help other men. The blessing for me is, not only do I get to see other men growing as husbands, fathers, and leaders, I am blessed by “willing to look like the idiot” if you will. Sharing my thoughts, perspectives, and experiences opens the door for me to ask for help as well. I do not write any of these thoughts or lessons out of expertise or professional credentials. I am just being a REAL man on a journey hoping to lead others with me. I will need to ask for help and favor along the way. If you do not want to be left behind, then you will as well.
Men say to me things like, I wish I could express my thoughts like you. I wish you could too. The fact is, we can wish all we want but wishing will accomplish nothing. Turn “wish” into work. Work at expressing yourself. Work at communication. This starts at home. Talk with your wife more and engage in meaningful conversations with her. Be intentional about having one on one talks with your kids. Get involved in a men’s group of some kind. It is great to hang out with your buddies, but you also need to make sure you are involved with men who are sincere about being great and have an invested interest in seeing you become a great man. If the only men you are around are still stuck in their youth, then no wonder you cannot express your real thoughts or ask for guidance. It is so much easier to ask for help when you have planted yourself in an environment where people truly care about one another.
Men, you are not alone. Do not believe the lie that you are alone and that no one would understand. Ask for help. You will be amazed to find that EVERY man has been through it or is still struggling to get through it. Do not let your bottled-up thoughts hold you back any longer. You deserve to invest in yourself. In doing so, you are also making an investment into your son as the greatest lessons he will ever receive from you are the ones he sees, not hears.
