“If you just hold him steady for a while, he’ll come out of his shell,” my oldest son said to his younger two brothers as he held up a hermit crab. Recently, we snorkeled in the ocean off the beautiful Gulf coast. My oldest spotted a hermit crab on the ocean floor and dove down to retrieve it. We found several and discovered that when you patiently held them still, usually just a few seconds, they felt secure enough to pop out. When I heard my son make this comment to his brothers, his entire life flashed through my mind. I thought about the extensive process it has taken him to pop out of his own shell. I also thought about the role we dads play in either helping or hurting our sons in this process.
As some of you read this, you may be thinking, “Well, that’s not my son. He’s an extrovert and very out-going!” That is not what I am talking about. And, yes, he may be very outgoing, but he still has a shell. Every man has a shell and most of us still carry it around with us so we can jump back in it at any given moment. Your son’s shell may not be socializing or being the life of the party, but he does have a shell when it comes to what he believes he can or cannot do, what he thinks of himself, the ceiling of his potential, or in other words, his insecurities. Yes, he does have insecurities. Do you? If you are truly honest with yourself, then you know that you have insecurities that you have overcome or are still overcoming. So does your son. We all do. Some of us are better at masking them (your shell) than others.
I am an introvert. I am quiet. I am a deep thinker. I observe at great detail. I dig below the surface when I interact with people. I love talking about deep things and I listen well. This is my gift and I use it to lead others. Some extroverts, metaphorically, kick the door down when they enter a room. They can carry every conversation they are in and have developed a craft for telling stories. This is their gift, and they use it to lead others. Now, these two different characteristics do not always equal gifts. Some people are quiet and reserved because this is their insecurity. They have a fear of talking with others. This fear, many times, is out of not wanting to be discovered or found out. In other words, they are insecure of what others may think of them, so they do not risk interaction. On the other hand, some on the other side of the spectrum are loud and control every conversation with others, not because it is a gift, but out of the same insecurity. These have the same fear, it is just handled in the opposite way. By talking constantly and usually loudly, they can control the conversations to make sure what they are hiding is not discovered.
The goal, whether your son is an introvert or extrovert (both are equally great by the way) is to face his insecurities, know who he is, and to use his gifts to serve and lead those around him. He will be a leader one day. If nothing else, he will lead his own family. My oldest is an introvert, my middle son is an extrovert (like his momma), and my youngest is more like his dad and eldest brother. All three are unique, have different gifts, and view the world a little differently. It has sure made me a better man by being a part of their distinct journeys.
My oldest, 16, has developed into a bold, wise, and mature young man. He is a leader in his friend group, at school, and at work. He was the first high school student hired at his workplace and his employer used him to recruit a full staff of high school students. He serves on a state board of directors representing youth ministries as well as leading in his local youth group. Last summer he served as a camp counselor for kid’s camp. He volunteers his time in different areas including serving three widows on our street with free yard work. He is currently working his way through the 75 Hard Challenge and is putting in extra work every day on his body and health with the goal of being more of a leader on his football team. He leads and serves his younger two brothers at home and is an integral asset to our family structure and well-being. I say all this because a couple of years ago, I could not have listed any of these things. The kid has flipped the switch.
When he was in third grade, he begged me to play football. I did not want to start any of my kids that young in football but my good friend, the president of the league at the time, asked me to coach. I had been a high school football coach in the past and it does not take much to get me interested in coaching young boys in my favorite sport. Although, I did say no at first. My son really wanted to play, so I said I would do it. He hated it. He was not at the aggressive level yet that his peers were, and he retreated. He begged me not to play the next year, but I made him play as I was coaching again. I pushed him past his limits that next season. I forced him out of his shell when he wasn’t ready. I was impatient with him. Worst of all, I shamed him, unintentionally. I did not make him play the next year. He had no interest in playing for years. In fact, he told me that he would never play again. He never wanted to play any sport again. The summer before his Freshman year, I told him that he had to do something. He had to be a part of some type of sport, and he could pick anything. I threw out all kinds of options to him; golf, cross country, jui-jitsu, archery, etc. I didn’t care but he had to be a part of something that challenged his body and trained him to work with others. I believe in sports for so many reasons, but I know firsthand what challenging your body to push the limits can do for a person in all aspects of their life. My sons need to know that too.
To say the least, I was caught off guard when he said, “Dad, I want to play football again.” I was thrilled, but this wasn’t just about football. This was about him coming out of his shell. Football was the thing that he saw as his weakness. It was a source of embarrassment and insecurity for him from years earlier. Now, he wanted to face it like a MAN! This is huge in a young man’s life. Even though I errored years earlier with him, I was grateful that I had stayed out of his way and let him choose to face his giant at the right time. We had moved to a new town and much larger school a couple years earlier and he did not know these boys on the football team. The day his mom dropped him off for summer workouts, he was walking into a complete unknown. He was stepping onto a field with other young men who had been developing a warrior craft since they were little kids and were now ready to showcase their talents and aggressiveness on the high school stage. My son knew all of this when he decided to go for it. I was so proud of him.
There are countless times that I had my finger on the trigger ready to fire as I wanted so badly to force him into certain paths, but I didn’t. The patience is so hard. As I admitted, I failed early on with this. So many times, I watch dads, and moms, pull the trigger too early with their kids. And some with great intentions. They just want the best for their kids. Others do the same, but with selfish intentions. They want their kid to excel to boost their own pride in various ways. I think my son said it best when he held up that hermit crab in the ocean in front of his brothers. He didn’t know he was speaking a life lesson, but I sure couldn’t help but beam with pride and gratefulness as he said those bold and true words.
Before he spoke these words, I had watched him a few minutes earlier with another hermit crab as his brothers were off exploring on their own. I saw him trying to pull the crab out of the shell to get a good look at it. He only pulled with a small amount of force, but as he did, the crab resisted and sank further back in his shell. The crab fought to stay hidden, to not be discovered. As he held it “steady” for a few minutes, the crab, on his own, made a decision to come out of his shell and take in his surroundings. Dads and moms, it is our job to nudge our children in correct paths, but it may not be our job to yank their shell completely off because we’re ready, or in other words, impatient.
In summary, pushing your son to excel (or come out of his shell) is not always a bad thing. The problem lies in your motivation to push. Ask yourself these two questions. Am I pushing him to his potential? Or, am I pushing him to my own potential (or worse, my lack thereof)? In order to correctly push your son for the right reasons, you must know who you are, and then know who your son is. If you are ever in doubt, then the best thing you can do is just “hold him steady.”
