Boost the Bond with These Two Basics

As I write, whether it be working through my first book and its related program dedicated to helping men develop crucial connections with their sons or penning my thoughts to a page on my website, two recurring words continue to emerge. With every element that I pursue as a dad on a mission to help other dads, these two terms rarely fail to pop up. In my experiences connecting with my sons as well as talking and listening to other men, these two terms have proven to be the fuel that powers the machine, the bread and butter, the mechanics behind the swing, the secret ingredient, or whatever other metaphor gets the point across. These two words are intentional and consistent.

Intentional

Having intent is so important in most every aspect of your life. This is especially true as a father. You have often heard or said phrases like this, “That wasn’t my intent,” “I didn’t intend for that to happen,” or “It wasn’t my intent to hurt you.” When we say these phrases, we are excusing a particular behavior. By saying, “I didn’t intend…” we are saying that something happened that was not our aim. I believe these phrases are so commonly used because many times we say or act with no intentions at all. Having no intentions, aim, or focus when we do something will at times end in a result that we didn’t intend.

This is certainly true in fatherhood when we do not have an intent before our actions, or lack thereof. Let us look at some scenarios that most fathers would look back and say this phrase.

It was not my intent for my son:

  • to grow up without a father
  • to feel like he doesn’t truly know me
  • to not see me at his games
  • to be unsure of how proud I am of him
  • to be unheard or feel invisible
  • to not feel a bond or connection to me
  • to feel alone in his journey
  • to never hear me say “I love you, son”

Some reading this may already relate to one or more of these as a father or maybe you relate as a son. If you do not want to one day say, “It was not my intent for my son (fill in the blank),” then you must have intent right now. You must be intentional in your actions and words with your son. Decide now what kind of son you want to raise. Just like any other goal you have in life, you have to create intentional steps to reach that goal. Your son will not grow into the man you would like for him to be merely because you want it. You must be intentional.

What does this look like? Determine the qualities that are important to you. For me, I have determined that I can have a tremendous impact on my sons by connecting with them in these six areas; communication, development, discipline, health, work, and play. For example, lets take communication. Here are some sample ways you can be intentional in creating healthy communication between the two of you as well as developing communication skills that he will need to be successful as a man:

  • Put all distractions aside when he strikes up a conversation.
  • Schedule a time that you and he can sit alone to talk and listen.
  • Do something shoulder to shoulder with him to instigate conversation.
  • Take him fishing.
  • Invite him on a long drive.
  • Ask him to assist you on a project that needs done.
  • Take him for ice cream, or a father/son breakfast.

This is a very short list of the countless ways that you can be intentional in communicating and connecting with your son. You may notice that a few of these involve actions. This is because men/boys typically have an easier time communicating when they are actively doing something with others. Use these same types of scenarios to develop all the intentional qualities and connections that you desire with and for your son. If you are having trouble with this, then use the six elements of connection that I listed above. 

Side Note: As I completed typing that last sentence, my middle son (14) walked in my office, and I lost the closing sentence that I had in my head. He had just walked in from off-season football and was excited to tell me about making his times for his shuttle runs. I had to take my own advice from above and be in the moment for him, and I’m glad I did. It was worth it.

Consistent

The first step in being a better father is to be intentional. Once you have developed areas of intentionality with your son, then the next step is to be consistent with it. Creating real and lasting connections with your son will not happen by moments you share once every couple of years. That does not show him in any way that you “intend” to have a strong bond with him. You can only do this through consistently showing up for him. The idea here is that you form habits. Just like the example of setting goals earlier, steps have to be created and then repeated consistently to form habits. When you are intentional and then consistently recreate that intention, then a new habit is formed. Wouldn’t it be great to have a habit of connecting with your son? It is very possible. I do it and so do many other dads around the world. Make it a habit.

Here are some ways to use the examples above consistently:

  • Put all distractions aside when he strikes up a conversation.
    • Every time this happens, either immediately focus on him or tell him to give you a few minutes to wrap up what you are doing and then you will be able to give him your full attention. Make this your new way, habit, of approaching these interruptions.
  • Schedule a time that you and he can sit alone to talk and listen.
    • Put something on the calendar. For example, every Thursday evening at 8:30-9:00 pm we will meet on the back porch to discuss what’s new that week.
  • Do something shoulder to shoulder with him to instigate conversation.
    • Every Saturday you do yardwork together and then head to your favorite cold drink establishment (Sonic for us) to cool down and celebrate doing hard work.
  • Take him fishing.
    • Plan for one day a month (or two or three) to go to the nearest pond or lake and fish for an hour or two. Most of the world’s problems could probably be solved from fishing conversations.
  • Invite him on a long drive.
    • If you regularly have to make a long drive that is not necessarily work related, then include him. If you just enjoy taking a drive with your family once or twice a month, then make one of those just a father/son drive.
  • Ask him to assist you on a project that needs done.
    • If you do routine home maintenance (changing filters, light bulbs, bug spraying, etc) once a month, then include him every time. There are so many examples I could list here.
  • Take him for ice cream, or a father/son breakfast.
    • I do “Ice cream with Dad” on a rotation with my three sons every Wednesday evening after church. They fight over who’s turn it is and even bribe each other to gain an extra alone time with dad. I love it!

By being intentional and consistent you create a system of accountability. You know when you get out of habit. Your son will know as well. And he will remind you. Whether you believe me or not, your son will eventually, if not immediately, look forward to these times with you. He will begin to let you know when you have stood him up. Even if you do not see instant positive results, and some of you may not, consistently being intentional with him with begin to either grow or heal your relationship.

Men, this is the same principle that you use in every other area of your life that you want to see results. If you want a great marriage, then love your wife without fail. If you want a promotion at work, then you show up on time and with a great attitude every single day. If you want to one day move into your dream home, then you save money and stay accountable to the financial budget you have set. Each of these take intentionality and consistency to work. A lasting and meaningful bond with your son is formed in the same way.

Begin today to create the system that works for you and your son. Whatever it is, intend to do it and do it always.