Self-Restraint – Part 2: Know When to Fight and When to Walk Away

This is part two of a post. If you have not read Part One…, then please click HERE and read it first.

*Note: As I use the words “fight” or “fighting” throughout this post, I am not limiting the meaning of the word to mean physical only. “Fighting” for yourself or for others means standing up/facing an issue or person and can mean physical or non-physical actions.

As a boy, I watched kids enter fights that they shouldn’t have. These fights were led by emotion, insecurities, pride, and fear. I also remember watching kids walk away from situations where they should have entered a fight. You could also say that these decisions to walk away were led by emotion, insecurities, pride, and fear. So how do you know?

My parents raised me to be others-centered, to be kind, and to be generous. But they also taught me to take up for myself. I was much better at the former than the latter. I remember a situation in 7^th grade that has become forever etched in my memories. Like most kids, boys and girls, entering junior high is a very unsettling time. I would say that 7^th grade was the most insecure year of my life. I was going to school with 9^th graders who looked like grown men to me. I was one of the youngest in my class. And there were several boys who were held back a year and were now almost two years ahead of me in puberty. These were usually the tough kids, most likely trying to be tough to hide the embarrassment of being held back in school. Back then, parents didn’t start their kids late to school as much as they do now for sports or maturity. If a kid was held back, it was usually because he was having a really hard time passing his classes. This was hard on these kids, usually boys.

Suffice it to say, I was insecure around these boys and did not want to be their next victim. One Friday night, my dad and I went to watch our high school football team play a home game. At halftime, as we walked to the concession stand, we walked up on a large group of mostly high school students. The only path to the concession stand led right through the middle of them. I was wearing my favorite hat; a Los Angeles Raiders hat. It was black with silver pinstripes, a silver bill, and it had the Raiders logo front and center. It was sweet!…at least in 1991. I was a loyal Dan Marino and Miami Dolphins fan so for me to wear another team’s gear meant that this hat was pretty special. I remember seeing it in the mall and I bought it instantly. I later saw a celebrity on tv wearing the same hat.

I wasn’t the only one who thought the hat was special because as we walked through the crowd of teenagers my hat disappeared. I froze and started frantically looking around. After several seconds, I noticed a boy from my class, a known punk, crouched down on the ground hiding behind the legs of several teens. Our eyes locked, then he looked at my dad who had turned around as well. He was busted. He stood up, handed my hat to me, smirked, and walked away arrogantly. I put my hat on and looked up at my dad. My dad had disappointment in his eyes. He asked, “So, you’re just going to let him take your hat?” I didn’t answer. We both walked to the concession stand and never spoke of it again. We didn’t need to. I understood.

Now, here is where I am sure that I have lost all the new age parents. They are now focused on why my dad asked that question instead of swooping me up in his arms, kissing my cheek, and whisking me away to safety where he could hold me and gently speak affirmations over me. No, my dad handled this situation correctly. He made a point in the moment and that was it. He did not berate me at home for several days as to why I was so passive. He didn’t sign me up for martial arts training (nothing wrong with that by the way). No, he made me think about and process the road in front of me.

I have walked away from several situations that I knew in the moment and still know were the right decisions. This was not one of them. Here’s the rest of the story. This same boy, months later, tried to start a fight with me in the hallway at school. Just like the previous incident, I did nothing. And he knew from the previous interaction, that I would do nothing. I watched as this boy went on to do the same to many others. He eventually dropped out of school and continued to lead a life as a punk, never contributing anything meaningful to anyone. I hope that he has figured life out now, but the last I had seen or heard, he had not. What could have happened in him if someone like me had confronted him? What could have happened in ME if I had confronted him? These are questions that I have asked myself for years. I did nothing.

This is why my dad asked me the question. My dad, as many men do, knew too well the life that was ahead of me as a man if I did nothing. My dad knew that there are times and causes that are worth the fight. What am I referring to when I say “fight?” Fighting could mean different things. It could mean throwing punches, which most of you have been imagining. But what I am referring to is just standing up and boldly facing confrontations that are not going to just go away. At the very least, I could have looked him in the eye and said, “Don’t ever touch my stuff again.” For most punks, that would have been enough for their fear to kick in and think about the upcoming consequences. Punks don’t pick on people who are bold, strong, and confident. There are things that matter and there are things that don’t. There are things worth fighting for and things that are not. And as a man, you must learn the difference. You must learn self-restraint.

What is Self-Restraint?

Self-Restraint does not mean that you never do anything; that you walk away from every confrontation. That is not self-restraint and that is not a strength. That is just avoiding confrontation. That is an insecurity. As one friend reminded me, “I’d rather be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war.” Self-restraint is having the power to do something but deciding that it is not a worthy fight. I’d rather be a warrior. The warrior has the boldness, confidence, and skills to fight, but he doesn’t go around looking for a battle. He lives his life in peace knowing that he can handle situations that may arise. The gardener knows how to garden. He fears the fight because he doesn’t have the boldness, confidence, and skills to know deep down that he can protect himself and the ones he loves. He is a great gardener but useless in battle. He has not allowed himself to be tested.

There is a great scene in the movie Ghost and the Darkness where Val Kilmer’s character’s gun misfires as he stands face to face with a lion. When Michael Douglas’ character, Remington, approaches to find out what happened, he questioned him, “You went into battle, with an unproven rifle?” I believe “rifle” is being used as a metaphor here and a great lesson in life. Your “rifle” or weapon may mean your skills, but it could just mean your confidence and boldness; you knowing that you have what it takes.

David understood this as a boy. King Saul clothed David with his own armor before he went out to face Goliath. Here is what transpired. “And David said to Saul, ‘I cannot walk in these, for I have not tested them.’ So David took them off. (1 Samuel 17:39 NKJV).“ David’s confidence was not in an untested, unproven armor or weapon. His faith was in God and his confidence was in his battle-tested skills, a sling and stones. You don’t know that you have these things if you’ve never tested, practiced, or grown in these areas. Having this confidence and yet choosing which battles to fight or not to fight, is self-restraint.

A Battle to Fight

In high school, I caught up with the physically bigger and mentally tougher boys. Punks didn’t test their luck with me as they may have in junior high. Although, one of my friends (not a punk) did. During my school years, If I saw a thousand fights, then my friend was in 999 of them. And if he was in 999 fights, then he won 999 of them. He could fight. I saw him whip guys twice his size many times. It was like he was in training for some big bout later in life and needed to keep his skills sharp every few weeks. He was a magnet to fights.

Toward the end of my senior year, as he was fresh off a wrestling state championship and I was heading to play fullback in college, he called me out. He pushed me in the locker room. I saw this same scenario play out many times with others. I was about to be his next sparring partner. It would begin with a seemingly friendly horseplay, but in a flash would become an all-out rumble. When he pushed me, I knew what was about to happen. Would I be his first loss? Probably not, but I was not going to relive the feeling I had in 7^th grade at the football game. That is all I could picture in my mind, that and my dad asking me that question, “So, are you just going to let him take your hat?” I couldn’t walk away from this one. I had no anger whatsoever toward this guy. I wasn’t going to “fight with” him. But I was going to “fight for” the release of my insecurities and fears. I needed to. I wanted to.

I tackled him. We went to the ground and locked up. I knew at any moment the fists would start flying. Then, after a few seconds, he released his grip and put his hands up and said, “Ok, ok.” I let go as well. He said, “Zac, I would never fight you. You’d whip me.” I mouthed something stupid, like, “Yeah, that’s right.” That’s what my mouth said, but my mind was saying, “Thank God!” Ha! I knew he didn’t end it out of fear. He had whipped guys much bigger than me, and I had never seen him back down. It was out of respect. That respect meant a lot to me. A few years back, I shared this story with him at a birthday party my wife threw for me. We laughed. He and I are great friends and have been since high school. I am thankful for him and for that moment. I needed to know that I was not that insecure 7^th grade boy any longer. I needed to know I could head into battle with a proven “rifle.” I needed to know I had what it takes.

Real men fight. Again, I am not saying that real men go around looking for physical altercations. I am not saying that at all. In fact, confident men do not search for fights, but they are ready when necessary. I am saying that real men stand up for their rights and the rights, protection, safety, health, and well-being of others. Real men understand that this is part of their masculinity. Masculinity is a tool. It is neither good nor bad; certainly not toxic. It is a tool created by God for men to use for good purposes. Masculinity is not going anywhere. We just need more of us teaching young men how to use it properly. Self-restraint is one of the most important masculine traits that we can harness. Having strength, boldness, confidence, discernment, and using them at the right time for the good of others, is self-restraint.

Post Fight Breakdown (Conclusion)

Know when to fight. Know when to walk away. How do you know? Ask yourself these questions: