Self-Restraint – Part 1: Fighting With vs Fighting For
As a man, how do you know when to fight and when to walk away? This is a question that every boy faces growing up. Some eventually learn the answer but unfortunately, many grow into men who never do. We usually fall into an extreme of two different ends of a solution. Some men fight every fight that crosses their path, even looking for or provoking their next battle, while other men walk away, or even run from the mere thought of any possible confrontational moment. Neither of these extremes are healthy.
I am writing this today in response to a request from a young man following me on social media. He asked if I would give a message on self-restraint. To summarize, his question was how can we, as men, view self-restraint as a strength as opposed to a weakness (for example…fighting out of anger)? I was very impressed in the maturity of his question. From his profile, I gather that he is a teenager in high school. I was so impressed that at his age he could already see the maturity and responsibility in this battle that men face.
Let’s look at the first extreme that I mentioned; the group that never walks away. Most men want to be in the “I never back down!” group. There is such a pride in speaking this out loud to others. But, pride that does not allow you to see when a situation is unhealthy for you or others is not the pride to be proud of. Some only view pride as a good thing, but there is a reason that the Bible tells us “Pride goes before destruction…” (Proverbs 16:18). So, if you are in this group, then here is a question; why do you not back down? If the answer is pride, or fear, or insecurities, then that is not the kind of pride that we want to hang onto. If you do not know the answer, then it is most likely a form of pride as mentioned in the previous sentence. That kind of pride will eventually lead us to our demise, and we obviously need to learn self-restraint.
If the answer to not backing down is due to things that matter, like the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health and wellness of those you love or yourself, then right on. These are things that we should “never back down” from. These are the things worth fighting for. These are the things that matter, and we are not fighting out of pride but out of purpose.
Purpose is greater than pride. Pride and self-restraint pull in opposite directions while self-restraint can partner with purpose. Purpose is the who, what, when, where, why, and how of who you are. Purpose is what you should seek and what should be driving you. Purpose always involves the good of not only you, but others around you. Purpose is your calling, where you find enduring joy, and what will draw out and maximize the potential of your gifts. Pride is just a sense or a feeling. It can be a motivation in a good direction, but unfortunately it can also be a motivation in a wrong direction. Pride is something that when it builds up, it gets in your way. Think of the saying, “stubborn pride,” or “he’s just too prideful.” I’ve never heard anyone say, “stubborn purpose,” or “he’s just too purposeful.”
Let’s take marriage for example. No union has more purpose than that of a man and a woman joining together as husband and wife. They will form a bond that is worth fighting for. I lead a group of married couples at church and I often tell them, don’t be so afraid of the “f” word in your marriage. I am referring to the word “fight.” Fighting with your spouse is not good, but when you are in these moments, stop and think about the motive of the fight. Not all fighting is bad. Are you “fighting with” your wife, or are you “fighting for” your marriage? One is pride, the other is purpose. Are you fighting to win or to be right? Or, are you fighting for resolution and reconciliation? The first question is one that should never be the reason to fight and the second is one that you should fight like hell for. Here are some other questions to ask in regard to fighting:
- Do I “fight with” my kids, or do I “fight for” my relationship with them?
- Do I “fight with” my boss, or do I “fight for” my worth/value/purpose?
- Do I “fight with” my friends, or do I “fight for” my brothers?
- Do I “fight with” my neighbor, or do I “fight for” my community?
If your “yes” answer goes with the first half rather than the second half of the questions above, then you may need to work on your self-restraint. Instead of having the pride of “never backing down,”, have the wisdom of knowing when to walk away. Not every fight is worth fighting. Changing your perspective from “fight with” to “fight for” may make the world of difference in your relationships.
What about Anger?
Is it wrong to feel anger? Some would say yes. I say no. Anger is an emotion. Emotions are not bad. In fact, there are many people who beg men to express their emotions more readily. Anger is an emotion. So is happy, sad, hurt, excited, etc. Is it wrong to feel any of these or any other emotions that I didn’t list? Of course not. Feeling an emotion is healthy. It is not wrong to feel anger. Where it is wrong is how you allow it to manifest. If I allow my anger to hurt someone else that is wrong. If I allow my sadness to lead me to hurt myself that is wrong. If I gain fifty pounds because sitting around watching movies and eating potato chips and ice cream makes me happy, then that is wrong.
Do you have emotions, or do emotions have you? This is the balance between healthy and unhealthy emotions. It is ok to feel any emotion. It is not ok to be led by them. I could be feeling happy and in the snap of a finger something bad happens and it turns to sadness, or anger, or hurt. These feelings are ok, but if they can change from instant to instant, then they are not something that should be leading my life and my decisions.
Is anger a good reason to fight? Again, are you “fighting with” or “fighting for?” Are you fighting with someone because you are angry that they didn’t use their blinker and cut you off while driving (I so badly want to say this is a worthy fight!)? This is not a good reason for an altercation. Are you angry because you walked up on a couple of guys attacking a woman? This is a great reason for your anger to cause you to “fight for” the health and safety of another person. What about someone calling you a name?…probably not. That person is most likely not worth “fighting with.” Self-restraint will help you take a breath and realize that the consequences may far outweigh the feeling. What if that person is a bully and you have repeatedly taken steps to protect your space, rights, and freedom? Well, you decide, but I know what I would do.
I fully understand, and you should too, that not always are our circumstances cut and dry. We can take any example I have written and make a thousand different “what if” scenarios from them. This is why self-restraint is so important for each of us. It takes practice. We can’t always refer to a blog post or google the answer while we are in the moment. But what we can do is practice how we handle our emotions. We can understand the difference between “fighting with” and “fighting for.” We can strive to seek our purpose rather than building a foundation on pride. We can learn to be a proactive person, rather than a reactive person.
Fighting every fight that crosses your path is not what makes you a man. As a real, genuine, masculine man, you should know and recognize what causes are worth fighting for. And, you must have the discernment, the wisdom, and the self-restraint to walk away from situations that elevate pride over purpose. Make self-restraint a regular practice in your life. Seek your purpose and decide beforehand what furthers that purpose and what detracts from it. Fight for your purpose. Walk away from the rest.
Thank you for reading. Come back for the second part of this post:
Self-Restraint Part 2 Know When to Fight and When to Walk Away
