Like many of you, I follow a few writers, bloggers, and various kinds of leaders on social media. In just a few minutes of your time, they can give you some sort of inspiration, teaching, or “how to” that can make your day a little better or even life a little easier. Sometimes they give us something deep and other times something very surface level. Nonetheless, it is meant to reach someone. Not everyone, just some. As a writer, you are typically writing to a person. Most of the time you have no idea who that person is. You have never met them, but they follow you and what you are sharing is having some level of impact in their life. As I am doing the same thing, I realize that sending my writing out to the masses will bring some negative feedback. Mostly constructive, although sometimes that is not the case. I am incredibly grateful that everyone can have an online voice. I would not be able to do this without it. We all have a choice to use that voice to either help or to hurt.
*Today, I had a post notification from a popular men’s blog that I have followed for years. After I clicked on it, the very first thing I noticed was the long list of comments. I quickly scanned through them and noticed that they were all negative. They were not constructive criticism or even commenting on any specifics about the content of the article, they were just mean spirited. I had not even read the article yet, but my temperature started to rise. I thought, “man, do I really want to subject myself to this kind of torture by posting my stuff?” Of course, my answer is yes. I realize two things:
- These comments were coming from people who have signed up to follow the blog; and
- If only a handful of people, or even one person for that matter, received something, then it was worth the heat.
The article turned out to be a series of recipes for a dish that is widely considered a manly favorite. It was definitely not deep, but a good read from a very good and established writer. I rarely read the comments on other’s post, but for some reason I found myself scrolling through these. There was one comment that stood out to me above all the others. The comment was personal as it mentioned the writer’s skin color and the city he lives in. These are things that you would only really know if you followed the blog and even read the author’s bio. This led me to assume that this person actually reads the blog and even signed up to follow him on social media.
So, Why Such A Personal Attack Over A Recipe?
I usually would never take something this far, but I am glad I did as this led to a humbling, yet important life lesson to teach our boys. I was still mad as I clicked the person’s profile to see what kind of life they were leading that would motivate them to waste minutes of their day writing something rude. According to his profile and picture he was a young man from the west coast. As soon as I scrolled down I quickly learned that his mother passed away the previous month. The several preceding posts were all about his mother’s ongoing battle with cancer. My blood stopped boiling. Wow. I realized that I made a huge mistake. I had no right to have such “thin” skin. I don’t even think this would have bothered me as much if it were written towards me. It was more of the brotherly defense in me that rose up to protect one of my fellow bros. But in doing so, I did not realize that I was defending the wrong one.
Teach your boys to have “Thick Skin.” You hear this all the time. Leaders understand this concept very well. Anytime you sign up to be in the spotlight or in front of the group you must be able to take the blows. As this writing shows, I have not perfected the art of thick skin. Regardless, it is something that I am always working on and have tried to teach my boys. Today, I realized that for many of us, the lesson of having thick skin has been taught incorrectly. We have always made it about us. Being able to quickly extinguish and forget harmful comments has always been a strategy for people to maintain their focus and stay on their projected path. We always look at the naysayers as people who are trying to slow us down from reaching our personal goals. Does anyone ever stop to think about why they are “naysayers?” Is it really a cry for help? We all know that bullies hurt others out of their own hurt. I have always and will continue to teach my boys to stand up to bullies and to even stand for others who, for whatever the reasons, cannot stand for themselves. But, as I continue to teach my boys to stand and to have thick skin, the lesson will be a little different now.
You see, I have always told my boys that they are “leaders of men.” This is something that I have instilled in them since they were in the crib. I spoke these words over them every night and to this day they know that they are leaders in training. I don’t know yet what they will do in life, but what I do know is that everyone can lead in some capacity. You may not be leading the country or a large corporation, but you have the opportunity to lead someone. Even if the only people my boys lead are their wives and children, then I want them to know that they are leaders.
This man who made the comment taught me something today. I need thicker skin. I have been striving to be in a place where I can take negative comments and attacks and not lose focus on the vision. That goal was selfish. Rather, I need to be in a place where I can take those same situations, but not just take it on my own behalf, but also on behalf of the one who spoke it. That man needed an outlet. It was not the right thing to do, but he obviously felt that this was a safe place for him to vent. His mother just died of cancer. I don’t know that feeling. My mom is still alive and healthy. I am grateful for the blogger who over the years has created an environment where people have a sense of belonging, even if their comments are not healthy. We can work on that later. One step at a time, right?
Keep teaching your boys to have thick skin. Just make it an others-centered message from now on.
*Originally written January 31, 2021
