Christmas is a season of joy. Joy is what this season is about. The other day, a guy told me he was taking his family on a mini vacation the weekend before Christmas. He and his wife spent more on the trip than what they intended, and they haven’t even left yet. The trip, intended to be a peaceful and relaxing getaway, turned into a source of anxiety. I am sure we can all relate! The last words he said to me as he wrapped up his stress-filled venting was, “See! This is why I don’t like Christmas. It’s too stressful!” He’s right! It certainly can be too stressful. But why? It is supposed to be a time of joy, right? What if we are looking at joy incorrectly? First, as we talked about in this week’s Weekly Whetstone, Linus Got It Right, the joy of Christmas comes from the true reason we celebrate. Second, real joy does not come from a feeling alone, it is something that we choose. I personally am guilty of needing this reminder. And I got one the other day!
I love Christmas time. Before the Thanksgiving turkey even has time to be digested, I am dragging the Christmas decorations out. I cannot wait to start the Christmas joy. I need it. That last month of the year is always a time to allow myself to take my mind off the normal pressures of life and focus on the season. Christmas gives you a reason or even an excuse to forget about or put aside the year’s stresses. One year, I needed Christmas a little early. It was the first full year following the tornado. If you followed my tornado series, then you know why I needed some joy. It was the Saturday following Halloween and my wife was gone for the day. I knew I would be in trouble, but I did not care. I needed it. I went all out. I put out more decorations than I ever had before. I hung lights on the house and even put inflatables on top of the roof. I needed Christmas early. And, yes, when my wife got home, I did get in trouble. But again, that year I didn’t care.
I am sure that most of you can relate to this story and had years like that one. This has been another one of those years when I needed Christmas a little early. I have had a harder time winding down from the year. Everything is busier than normal and there is no time for rest. Instead of slowing down, my business, my wife’s workload, my sons’ schedules, needs around the house, and all other aspects of life have ramped up. To keep up with the business load, I am working six days a week. On Sunday mornings I lead a group at church, so as long as there is not something on the calendar for Sunday afternoon, and there normally is, I might have a few hours to take care of the normal needs at home and prepare for the next week. There is no time for rest, let alone the fun stuff like Christmas shopping for the boys and watching all the great Christmas movie classics. I am exhausted and therefore, maybe just a tad irritable. And thanks to the exhaustion, my immune system decided this was a good time to allow a sinus infection to settle in. Merry Christmas!
With all of this said, I was reminded the other day the importance of choosing joy. I came home from work and walked in through the back door. I really was not in a bad mood when I came home. That all went south once I opened the door. My first view as the door swung open was clutter in the dining room. There my oldest son sat playing a video game. I took a few steps and saw that the kitchen was a mess with a sink full of dishes. My middle son’s daily chore is to take care of all dishes before he can do anything else. As I turned the corner, there he was, feet propped up in the recliner watching his new favorite show, “Forged in Fire.” I did not say anything. I grabbed the remote that was on the armrest of his chair and turned the television off. I rounded up all remotes in the living room and office and hid them in my bedroom. The remotes stayed there for several days. I did not blow up. I did not yell at anyone. I just took action. I then went upstairs to work in my office.
Shortly after, my wife got home and sat down in the living room. My son was huffing and puffing in the kitchen doing the dishes. The other two boys sat down in the living room with my wife and just stared at her. She asked, “What’s going on?” My oldest answered, “Dad hid all the remotes to everything.” That was Ayden’s moment to pop into the room and unload his fury. You must understand something about Ayden. He has a gift. It was genetically passed down from his momma. The two have a gift of instant quick-witted mouthiness. It is like they come preloaded with rapid and instantaneous comebacks. It is quite entertaining watching the two of them when they have a disagreement. Many times, my wife will look at me during one of their spats with a look like, “Are you going to do something?” Yes, of course I’m going to do something, but first I am going to enjoy watching you interact with your creation; your mini-me! I do not have that special gift. In heated moments, my brain does not give me a sharp sassy reply. My brain starts processing actions.
Upon hearing my oldest son set the stage for him, Ayden burst into the room and boldly stated, “Dad just comes home and spreads his anger.” I can really appreciate the creativity and descriptiveness in his expression. “Spreads.” Great word! That really gives a creative visual that his audience can see and feel. I have never heard that used in that way. I can picture anger being spread like butter over toast. Or a large quilt of anger being spread over the entirety of a bed. Or how about a farmer sowing anger seeds over a large field where it can cultivate, flourish, and multiply. I’m very proud of him. He was just using his gift. Maybe he’ll be a writer one day. I digress.
My wife, a few minutes later sent me a text with Ayden’s now famous quote. I couldn’t help but laugh. I thought, “Yep. That’s my thirteen year old!. When I finished up in my office I came down and asked Ayden if he was ready to grab some ice cream. It happened to be his night for my weekly one-on-one time with my sons. On the drive over he began telling me about his day and some things that were going on with his friends. He then asked me what my thoughts were about something. I answered him by humbly saying, “Well, I really want to share my thoughts on that but sometimes I have to find ways to not spread my anger.” His eyes shot up at me and his face turned bright red. “Uhhh…uhhhh…so…I guess you heard that?” I didn’t tell him that my wife told me. I said, “Yep.” He continued, “Soooo…yeah…uhhh…about that. Uhhhh…yeah…well, I mean, if you think about it, Dad (now growing in confidence), what it was, was actually a compliment, Dad. You know what I mean, Dad? What I was saying is that is how much influence you have at home. I mean, when you’re mad everyone is mad. When you’re happy everyone is happy. So…see how its actually a compliment? Dad, you set the tone.”
Dang he’s good! I told you he has a gift. In a matter of ten seconds, he spontaneously turned his mouthiness into a compliment and a life lesson for his Dad!
A Compliment and a Caution
I started laughing. I first asked him, “Do you really think I spread my anger?” He said, “No. I was just mad that you took the remotes.” Next, I told him that he was right and that he reminded me of something very important. I explained to him that it is a compliment, but it is much more a caution. This type of influence is something to take very seriously. I have a responsibility, and obviously accountability (thank you mouthy thirteen-year-old son), to make sure that I set the correct tone in my home.
Dads, whether you realize it or not or whether you accept it or not, you set the tone (this is very true for moms as well). You have an obligation to your wife and children to not “spread” your negative emotions. You can, in an instant, flip your family’s demeanor in both a good and bad way. This is a compliment and a caution. Please focus more attention on the caution. I am not telling you to suppress your emotions deep inside. I, in this article, am asking you to make a choice. Please choose joy.
Although this is a message for every day, this Christmas season has really presented a great opportunity for me to choose joy over my circumstances. It is the same for you. I had the opportunity to pray with my closest friend yesterday. He and I meet through video chat once a week. He shared with me two separate devastating issues that have arose in his family since we last spoke. I couldn’t believe it. I hurt for him and his family as they are dealing with some major things right before Christmas. Amongst other things, I prayed over his family that they would choose joy in the midst of their difficulty. This is not easy, but necessary.
I believe joy and happiness are two separate things. Happiness is a feeling; joy is a choice. Happiness is fragile as it can be present and then absent in an instance. It is a byproduct of whatever is going on in the moment. Joy, on the other hand, is something that we can build upon inside of us. It is not something that we wear on our sleeve. The meaning behind Christmas is joy. It brings hope. It restores. It is not something that we wait for. It is something that we choose. This Christmas season please choose joy. There are numerous reasons for each of us to be stressed right now. But there is a greater reason for us to choose joy. Men, set the tone this Christmas by choosing and spreading joy. Right now, in this season, is a great time to begin practicing something that you can extend into next year and continue for a lifetime. It is your opportunity and responsibility.
Men, you set the tone.
