My oldest son will be headed off to college in a year. I have tried my hardest to slow the process down but have quickly learned that I am not in control of time. The other day, my wife asked my son what kind of graduation party he would like to have. I was in the other room, but quickly interjected, “Why in the world are you already talking about graduation? We still have a year!” My wife had a better perspective, “No, we only have a year!” Yikes!

This has hit our family hard. My oldest is a typical oldest child. He is mature, he is responsible, and he is a leader and a hero to his brothers. The thought of him not being present daily in our home is not only hard on mom and dad, but also on his younger brothers. He and our middle son (15) are two years apart and are best friends (best friends who fight sometimes). Until this past year they have shared a bedroom. Most of that time was by choice. They opted to use one bedroom to sleep in and one to set up for video games and hanging out. My middle son said to me the other day, “Dad, I’m going to have a really hard time when he goes to college. I’m not gonna lie, its going to be rough!”

We dropped my oldest off at our state’s highway patrol summer camp the other day. My nine-year-old would not stop hugging him. Even though it was only seven days, it felt to him like he was moving out. Later that evening the emotions settled in, and he broke down. He could not get himself under control. I was proud of my oldest the day before. He knew our youngest was having a hard time, so he took him to the store, bought him two new toys, and then came home and played with him in his bedroom for an hour. It meant the world to him.

When my son broke down crying, I could not get him to settle down. He and my middle son have a different relationship than the oldest and youngest. They rarely get along. My wife and I have hoped that when the time comes that our second oldest son will step up and be the leader to his younger brother that his older brother has been for him. As my son laid in his bed sobbing hysterically, his big brother came in and told him to, “Hey, you wanna go see the new Spiderverse movie? Get up and get ready. It starts in an hour!”

I heard this happening from the next room so I rounded the corner to see what would transpire. My youngest got up from his bed, walked over to his brother and bear hugged him for a good 30-seconds. I’m always proud of all my sons, but in that moment, I wanted to bear hug him too. I didn’t. I let them have their moment (I did bear hug him later!). This was the sign that I needed to see from him that he would finally see his brother, not as a nuisance, but as a friend.

Many times, when we think of heroes, we picture capes, superpowers, and abs so defined that they show through a shirt. What we don’t always see is the true heart of a messy haired, brace faced, somewhat mouthy teenage boy. I was so proud and grateful to see his heart in that moment. He filled the shoes of his big brother’s absence. His older brother has always been there for him in this way, and he recognized that he can play this same role. We have been trying to help him see this for years, but in the moment that really mattered, he stepped up. He was a hero.

How Do We Help Our Kids Get There?

The main answer to this question is patience. Your child is in a growing process. Have patience that your child will get where they need to be. What are you having patience in? You are having patience in the foundation that you are building in them. Don’t give up on them and don’t give up on investing, teaching, coaching, and supporting them in getting there. You are not a failure as a parent just because your child is not completely where you would like them to be. The only way to truly fail is to give up. Although parenting brings so much joy, it can very often be a source of frustration. If you feel like you are failing as a parent, then it may mean that you need to devote more time in creating intentional connections with your child.

In my book. The Summer of Dad Challenge – 30 Days to Becoming a More Intentional Father, I provide a simple guide for you to jumpstart a lifestyle of greater connection with your kids. You can follow my 6 Zones of Connection to help create a well-balanced connection. Use the 6 Zones of Connection to start bonding with your kids each day.

6 Zones of Connection:

  • SPEAK – connect through an intentional time of talking and listening.
  • DEVELOP – connect through guiding, coaching, and supporting your child in a skill or interest.
  • DISCIPLINE – connect through developing daily habits of discipline.
  • HEALTH – connect through the promotion of healthy lifestyle habits.
  • WORK – connect through working toward or accomplishing something of value.
  • PLAY – connecting through creating rest, laughter, adventure, or just having fun.

Does This Create Heroes?

No. This creates the connection that you need between you and your child so that: 1. You can build the foundation that they need to be successful in life, and, 2. The intentional connection helps you grow the needed patience to trust the process in building the foundation. Becoming a hero is something they learn by watching you. You are the hero in their life because one day they will see and understand the love you had for them as you never game up on them. You never waivered through the hard things. You trusted the process and had patience to see them develop into the young man or women that they were destined to be.

Start Here

The greatest and most simple way you can grow these connections and become a hero in their lives is to say this to your child daily:

  • I Love You
  • I’m Proud of You
  • You Have What It Takes!