Who Are You? If you have been following me, then you most likely have heard this question a few times in recent weeks. I am passionate about this question as I believe that many men do not have an answer. Thus, I also believe that this is the reason why men are not leading in the way they were designed to.
- Why do men display such apathy?
- Why do they lack vision?
- Why are they loud around their friends but quiet at home?
- Why do they work with boldness but display passivity with their family?
- Why do their biggest dreams involve boats, golf courses, and retirement?
- Why are they a shell of a man that their wife married 20, 30, 40 years ago?
This may not be you, but unfortunately it is a lot of men. The answer to these questions may vary in the lives of men, but the root is the same; Men do not know who they are.
I began this year by focusing my writing on answering this critical question; Who Are You? I received a lot of response from Forget the Goals – Find Your Purpose and am excited to continue sharing through my series Bridging the Gap. These are all dedicated to helping men find the answer to this question.
Should You Care What Others Think?
There are several parts that make up who you are. Some are obvious to you, but others may not be. You have grown up hearing the phrase, “Don’t worry about what other people think.” For a lot of us this is much easier said than done. I am one that spent too much of my life caring about what others thought of me. This can become a severe insecurity. And I admit, it was for me. My passion is for people and for someone like me, hurting someone else hurts us even deeper. The reality, and what I have had to learn in my journey as a man and leader, is that it is impossible to please, assist, and influence everyone. I am not sure who to credit this quote or phrase to, but we have all heard some form of the following; If you try to please everyone, then you will end up pleasing no one. This is true and here is why. If you are seeking the approval of everyone around you, then it is impossible for you to be true to yourself. Therefore, this is so important to understand as we seek the answer to our question, “Who are you?”
Here is a truth that we find over and over in the Bible, in every leadership training, and in our life experiences; The true way to know you are leading in the right direction is to experience some opposition. Anyone who ever did anything great had to overcome naysayers, opponents, or maybe even flat-out enemies. The path to the greatest “You” is very challenging. This is why so many do not complete it, or unfortunately, even begin. If you are passionate about anything in your life, then it does not matter if everyone falls in line. You must move forward. With this said, let us answer the question above, “Should you care what others think? My answer is yes. Huh?
A Lesson from a Drunk Employee
To best explain my odd answer, I need to share an encounter I had with one of my employees several years ago. Late one Saturday evening, around 11:00 pm, my phone rang. I looked at my phone and saw that it was one of my employees. This guy had been working for my company a couple years and had proved to be a very hard working and loyal guy. My first thought was that he was in trouble as I was not accustomed to him calling me outside of working hours and late Saturday night was especially odd. We were watching a movie as a family, so I got up and went to the bedroom to answer. It did not take long for me to realize that he was drunk. He said, “You know what..man? I just have to tell you…you’re a hateful, sarcastic, jerk!” I chuckled a little as I realized this was fueled by quite a bit of liquid courage. But I was very interested. Alcohol can be a great truth serum at times. I said, “Alright. I’m listening.” He continued, “Man…for two years I’ve thought you were just a complete jerk…and…I’m sorry to call like this…but…” I said, “It’s fine. Get it all out.” He continued, “…but…you know…I’ve gotten to know you…and…you’re actually a pretty damn good guy.”
We continued to have an odd, but good conversation. I apologized to him, and I owned his initial perception of me. This was the first of many subsequent late night phone conversations. I put myself on a crew with him and we worked side by side everyday for about a year. We made a pretty good team.
Who Is Responsible for Perception?
Most people believe that perception lies solely in the hands of the one making the assumption or judgement. Some even become highly offended that someone could misconstrue their heart in such a way. In some cases, this is merited. But, as a leader, or just as a good and observant human, we should make an effort to reevaluate how we handle these encounters. This first requires facing insecurities within ourselves to confidently view our own actions through someone else’s eyes. Could it be that they are just totally wacko? Yes, that could very well be true. Could it be that they are mostly wrong, and you are only a little to blame? This is almost always the case. But, before you start your defense and begin pointing this out to them, focus on the actions you displayed, or maybe did not display, that supported their incorrect perception of you. And then own it. Apologize. Correct your actions. This mends relationships so much faster than defending can.
I had every right to defend myself and my actions with this employee. He had a lot going on in his life that could easily lead to him not trusting bosses. I also had excuses for my behavior. This was during the tornado years that I have written extensively about. He did not know what I was going through, and I could have said, “get off me,” “you don’t know me,” “you don’t know what I’m dealing with,” “what gives you the right to talk to me that way?” These are the common phrases that we hear or even say to others in defense. Instead, we developed a great level of communication between a boss and employee. We talked through many difficult personal issues over the next couple of years and I even had the privilege of praying with him at times. I do not know if we would have enjoyed this kind of relationship if I would have shut him down on the phone that evening.
You may not feel like you are a leader and do not see how this pertains to you. But as I have said before, if you are a parent, then you are leading. Have you ever had a boss, or more importantly, a mother or father, who you felt never listened to you? You cried out to them on many occasions but It always just seemed that they defied looking inwardly and making necessary changes. They just could never see themselves the way you and others saw them. Well, if you can answer yes, then my closing call to action to you is simple:
Don’t be that person!
Be responsible for the perception of those you love and lead. This is the only time it is ok to break the well-known, and most of the time true, rule: Don’t worry about what other people think.
