Likewise, the Bond Between a Father and Son
My dad, being my grandpa’s only son out of four children, was raised to work hard. He grew up on a ranch, the same ranch where I would later be raised. He worked the land, worked the animals, and learned to appreciate the opportunity to work outside in nature and value the hard work and sweat that comes with it. Therefore, my brother and I were raised the same way. My dad was a pipeline welder and worked hard hours in the heat of the day and then came home in the evening to a couple of hours of ranch work. My mom was a hard worker too. She mostly was a homemaker, and she was a professional one. She did not allow much idleness in the house as she spent the whole day planning great meals and maintaining a spotless and well-kept home, inside and out. She loved working outside and with her 5’1 ½ small frame, she can outwork most men I know. On Saturday mornings, I would wake up to the smell of bacon frying. She got up early every Saturday morning to make a big breakfast that was ready by the time we woke up, usually by seven o’clock. After finishing breakfast, my dad, brother, and I headed out the door to work on one of the many endless projects on the ranch. I rarely dreaded the work. I grew to appreciate it.
In the spring, we worked calves, and, in the summer, we hauled hay. These were my favorite. They were by far the hardest work, but my brother and I appreciated the way it made us feel like real men. We looked forward to these events all year. Working calves, as we referred to it, meant castrating the young bulls. This required either my brother or I roping a calf, while the other one ran towards it, threw it down (or tackled it), and held it still. The hard part was quickly securing its legs as to not get kicked. We were not always successful. Whether you were getting kicked or not you had to keep a tight hold of the calf. We usually got the heck beat out of us while Grandpa and Dad laughed. My brother and I would not be able to walk the next day from the soreness of wrestling the calves and the bruises from being kicked numerous times. With that said, these are some of our fondest memories as boys. On these days, we got to be men.
Hauling hay was brutal because the hay season is in the heat of the summer. If you ever drive by a field in the summer and see men or boys throwing square bales on a flatbed trailer, honor them. This is hard work. Where I come from, it is like a rite of passage. You weren’t a man until you had hauled a little hay. I know men who hauled hay one time in their life and still brag about it. It is rough, but we enjoyed it. I am grateful for my grandpa, dad, and my mom instilling the value of hard work in us boys. And little did we know, that doing this hard work is what was truly forming us as brothers.
Why would I use words like “value” and “gratefulness” in the same sentence with “hard work?” Well, there are many reasons why, but for today I am going to focus on this one very important one; connection.
I look back on the hard work I did growing up with gratefulness and value because this is how I established deep connections with my grandpa, my dad, and my brother. We worked very hard, shoulder to shoulder, for many years together. That formed a bond between us that cannot easily be broken. In fact, After I spent ten years in a career, my dad, brother, and I decided to start a business. We kept that business running for another ten years until we decided it was time to try some new things. People have often asked me, “I could never work with my family! How did you guys do it for a whole decade?” The answer is simple. My brother and I spent our entire childhood working shoulder to shoulder with our dad. The bond was created and established years before. Did we have our issues and battles at times? You bet. But because of the bond, we were always able to work through those and find a way to unite.
Think of your closest male friends, your brothers, your bros, your dudes, your guys. I am talking about the ones who you would do anything for, and they would do the same for you. These are the guys who can finish your sentences, hold you accountable when you get out of line, or have fought alongside you through your toughest battles. How did you get so close with these men? Was it through sitting at coffee shops, sipping lattes, gazing into each other’s eyes, and sharing your deepest feelings? No, of course not! These are the men who you played high school football with, you throw around weights with at the gym, or served alongside defending our country and freedoms. They are guys who show up to help you move, again, and again, and again. They coach little league with you. They’re always sitting on your couch, beer in hand, when it is time for the, fill in the blank, game on tv. These guys are your guys because you do stuff together. The “stuff” has created deep connections amongst you. You have worked shoulder to shoulder to achieve some sort of goal, whether it was for recreation, for a job, or for a literal battle, it was by doing work. Thus, brothers were formed.
If this is how men are wired, meaning this is how you are wired, then is it possible that this is how your son is wired as well? Yes, most definitely! This is why I write so much about connection and intentionality. In fact, much of this post was taken from a chapter in a book I am currently working on to teach fathers how to connect with their sons. This idea of working together, shoulder to shoulder, is one of the key elements in forming a lasting bond between a dad and his boy. This is not the only way to connect but working shoulder to shoulder with your son is so important.
What does this look like for you? For most of us, our sons cannot come to our places of employment and work. Also, “work” does not just mean the tasks you perform for your job. “Work” just means that you are actively doing something together. It may mean doing yardwork, building something in the shop, or working on the car together. It could be working side by side to teach him adult living skills such as cooking meals, teaching him how to man the grill, or cleaning the kitchen afterwards. Work with him and help him practice a skill. This is also a great way to kill two birds with one stone. If your son has an interest in something, then you have a great opportunity to connect shoulder to shoulder with him while at the same time helping him sharpen that skill. Lastly, maybe your son is not quite old enough to take part in some of these tasks, but you can certainly sit on the floor and build blocks with him or play whatever toys he loves. By the way, this is how therapists get to know a child, by playing with them. Think about that, dad, the next time you tell your kid you don’t have time to play.
These are just a few ideas, and all of these can begin to develop a greater connection between you and your son. But I have to be honest with you; the harder the work, the greater the pain, the more blood and sweat; the stronger the bond. Start today to find a way to be shoulder to shoulder with your son. And not just every now and then. You must make it a lifestyle from now on. You won’t regret it. This is important, not only in that you are creating a connection as father and son, but you are also teaching him how brothers are formed. He will need these brothers later in life to be the best man, husband, father, and friend/brother he can be.
