Several weeks ago, I began posting daily video messages on social media. These messages are short, but my intention is to equip dads with lessons/conversation starters for their sons. Although my vision is to help build better fathers who will in turn build the next generation of great men, many of my messages can include mothers and daughters. I address fathers and sons because I am a father and God did not give me daughters. He gave me sons and for many years has been preparing me to reach men who are raising men.
With that said, most of my feedback comes from women. I love that. These are women who are mostly trying to raise good sons (or daughters) and/or women who are trying to help their husbands find ways to better connect with their sons. I am so grateful that mothers are trying to be so in tune with raising their kids. Men, we should take note. These women diligently read my posts despite the fact that I am addressing men. Also, despite, as my wife once said to me, “You just ooze masculinity.” I believe at the time she was being sarcastic, but I told her, “Thank you! That is the greatest complement you’ve ever given me.”
Recently I posted a reel on social media telling dads to teach their sons to just say no…and mean it. You do not always have to feel the need to explain to people why you say no. My message comes from my own people-pleasing nature that I had to overcome as a young man. I hated to say no to people and I hated the confrontation. I know so many men who are this same way. This affects the husband, the father, and the leader that they try to be in their families. It is rooted in an insecurity. What I did not think about as I was preparing the message was the fact that many women deal with this as well. Most of the private messages that I received after my video was from women telling me that they struggle with this.
Any time you are asked or pressured to do something that will not lead to good, for you or those around you, the answer is “No.” In some extreme cases, you may need to ask for help from others. I understand some of you reading this may be in situations where your safety is compromised. If so, please reach out to the appropriate people for help. For most of us, safety may not be the issue. It is just the fear of letting someone down or the fear of confrontation when someone does not take our “no” for an answer. Let me encourage you with this; people who are let down or even offended by you doing what is right by yourself, your family, and humanity are not people who deserve an explanation for your answer. Good people respect others’ “no” with no explanation.
There was a season that my over-involvement in serving, helping, and leading others put a devastating strain on my marriage. My wife and I call it “the tornado season.” I explain this in my series How to Survive a Tornado. This was a time when I wasn’t necessarily needing to tell others “no,” I needed to tell myself “no” as I was engaged in too many high pressure things at once. My wife told me that as I was out “saving the world,” my own family needed rescuing at home. She was right. Whether it is telling someone, or maybe even yourself “no,” it is a very freeing process. There is a confidence and freedom that comes with having the boldness to say “no” and meaning it. It is an insecurity that keeps us from saying “no” and it is an insecurity that doesn’t allow some people to hear “no.”
. This was a time when I wasn’t necessarily needing to tell others “no,” I needed to tell myself “no” as I was engaged in too many high pressure things at once. My wife told me that as I was out “saving the world,” my own family needed rescuing at home. She was right. Whether it is telling someone, or maybe even yourself “no,” it is a very freeing process. There is a confidence and freedom that comes with having the boldness to say “no” and meaning it. It is an insecurity that keeps us from saying “no” and it is an insecurity that doesn’t allow some people to hear “no.”
Once, a man asked me to do something. I told him “no.” He immediately became offended and reverted to his natural bullying instinct. I stopped him and said, “Brother, if you’re going to have the balls to ask people for stuff, then you’re also going to have to have the balls to hear NO!” This ended the conversation. Sorry ladies for the use of “balls;” there’s that masculinity oozing out again. But its true. This is the way you need to look at it the next time someone pressures you into doing something for them. It takes guts and boldness to ask or pressure people for things. If these people do not have the same guts to hear “no” then it is not a character of confidence on their part which is how we are accustomed to looking at it. Rather, It is a sure sign of their own insecurity. When you realize this, it makes it so much easier to tell people “no.” It allows you to remove yourself from the issue and see that your are not the one dealing with fear. They are.
In my video, I said, “Men respect men who can say no…and mean it.” This is true for men. I hope this is also true for women, although I really don’t know how women view this from other women. But I will say this. It is not a sign of masculinity for a man to pressure a woman or to ignore her “no.” It is just a sign of an insecure jerk. Masculinity and femininity are just tools that God created for the good of mankind. It is unfortunate that these tools are used with ill intentions by some ill-intending people. Dads, moms, teach your son not only to have the confidence to say “no” and mean it but also to respect the “no” from others. Dads, moms, teach your daughters that a boy or man that does not accept her hard “no” has things in his life that he needs to work through, and this should be a big red flag for her to distance herself from this person.
Whether you are a man, woman, father, mother, son, or daughter, we all have insecurities. I know I do. The good news is that I recognize this and work hard to overcome them, although they are still very much a work in progress. Here is an example. The Lord gave me the vision for Man Among Boys almost two decades ago. When I decided it was time to make it a reality. it took three more years for me to publicly get my message out. The thought of resistance and the fear of rejection took a long time for me to overcome.
Insecurities become manageable and even positioned for defeat when we own them rather than try to mask them. Specifically, the insecurity of people-pleasing and not having the confidence to say “no” seems to be a common one. You may be reading this and realizing for the first time that your insecurity is not saying “no,” but you fear hearing “no.” You make people around you uncomfortable to say “no” to you. You have the same fear as the people-pleaser, you just manifest it in a different way.
Why am I talking about all of this? If you are reading this, it is most likely because you are a parent. We all want better for our kids. The greatest way we can help our kids be better is to not pass down our issues to them. They are watching us. If we want them to do certain things, then we must do those things. If we do not want them to do certain things, then we must not do those things. Our kids watch us in order to learn how life works. If you do not want them to share your insecurities, then show them that you are working to overcome them.
As I am typing this, my wife just sent me a random text. This is all it says, “Your struggle is your strength.” She has no idea that I am writing today, let alone what I am writing about. Thanks babe! Your struggle (insecurity) is your strength, not because the struggle is strong, but because of what you must go through to overcome it. The overcoming is where the strength lies. This process is what makes you stronger. Don’t mask your struggle. The funny thing about masking our insecurities is that people still see our insecurity, and they see that we are trying to hide it. Just own it! Own your struggle, be grateful for the opportunity to grow from it, then overcome it.
Say “no” to things that are wrong.
Say “no” to things that are right, but wrong timing.
Say “no” to bad ideas.
Say “no” to good ideas that will distract you from your priorities, such as family. Just because an idea is good does not mean it is good for you.
Say “YES” to right things, at the right time, that are good ideas that also line up with your priorities and values.
And, whichever it is, do it confidently. In other words, mean it.
Oh yeah…then teach your sons or daughters how to do this too!
